a month or so back, i wrote an entry about how i'd come to dread the everyday inquiry of "how are you?" today, during a long, just completed walk, i came up with a simple, if somewhat inelegant response. when asked that question in personal inquiries on my current condition, i will respond, "pretty much the same." if that is my response than people will know that:
i am still gripped in a deep and pervasive depressive state
my mind still feels irreparably damaged and my heart inconsolably shattered
i wake each morning wondering why i should get out of bed and dreading entering into the day
i endure the activities of work (week) or home (weekend) feeling that my life matters little and that there is no point to my existence
each night i sit in a deafeningly quiet house and proceed through the rest of the evening feeling alone, unwanted, uncared about and unloved
and i go to bed each night attempting to convince myself that i do want to wake up to another day and that i don't want to actively do anything that would prevent that from occurring
the only drawback to my plan is since it seems that no one i know comes by this space unsolicited, it is unlikely that when i use this particular phrase anyone will know exactly to what i'm referring. i'm not sure that matters much. i will know of course. after all, it's been my life for quite a long time now.
p.s. for those with whom i work (none of whom read this blog), when i give the response, "hanging in there," it pretty much means the same thing.
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