this has not been the best day for me. i had this moment where i was just sitting about to engage in an online chat and all of a sudden these thoughts of all the things that i perceive are so wrong with my life came flooding into my consciousness seemingly all at once. it was pretty overwhelming as with each issue there seemed to be no resolution in sight. each problem that came to mind seemed more intractable than the next.
it all came to a head with the single heart-stopping, blood-chilling thought of "oh my god, what is going to happen to my life?" the question was entirely rhetorical as again there was no apparent solution in sight. no solution but the prevailing thought was that my prospects did not seem good for anything to get better anytime soon (in fact, there really was no belief that anything would ever get better).
i don't like feeling like this. i really don't. part of me recognized that the depth of the emotional pain was as much about my brain chemistry again being out of balance as it was due to any true evaluation of my life circumstances. and yet, life does not look at all good at this point.
i had planned on posting this song this evening prior to my afternoon crisis of faith in a better future. it's a song that is on the same album as the one i posted earlier today. with respect to my life, it doesn't speak to anyone in particular but at the same time the resulting impact of the relationship loss perfectly captures what i've been experiencing for over a year (getting closer to two). certainly, the lyric "i don't give fuck if the sun comes up" is a feeling with which i am intimately familiar; and sadly it feels as if we will be keeping close company for quite some time to come.
another lonely night - adam lambert
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