room enough

it's been a very busy last month or so. i state that not so much as an explanation for my absence from this space but more as a simple statement of fact. i was catching up with my mother yesterday and telling her how hectic the pace has seemed. she asked me if it was too much for me. i responded that it's not that what i had to do was beyond my capabilities, it was just the sheer volume of activity was a phenomenon to which i needed to get adjusted.

i was thinking about that observation this morning and realized that while i may be able to handle the work load, the energy expended in doing so is not leaving me much capacity to handle anything else. i haven't done anything social outside of work in months. i spend much of my time on weekends either sleeping or running basic errands. i still have furnishings to buy and boxes to unpack. i have not yet found a church (though it is on my list of intended goals to accomplish) and i really need to get on finding my basic health service providers (doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc.).

lately, as i lie in bed late at night i find myself both thankful for my blessings and a little melancholy over what i view as the essential thing i lack. i wonder if i have room enough in my life for a relationship (particularly when even finding the time and energy to pursue one seems to be eluding me). i have had moments recently when i've remembered with startling clarity that relationships are not always love notes and candy kisses, but can often be opportunities for disappointing the person you love by not being as engaged as they would like you to be. in a time when i'm not sure that i'm being fully present to even myself how could i even hope to meet the expectations of someone else?

new year, new hope

there's something about the turning of the calendar to a new year that never fails to revitalize me. sometimes that new energy comes on like gangbusters. other times it's a slight lift out of despair to just sadness. whatever the form though, i tend to approach a new year with a sense of possibility. my last entry was about sharing songs of loss and longing as they reflected my mood at the time. today i want to share a song that's about new hope (as per the norm, click on the title to launch the song). while i wish i could say that the joy this song expresses is both consistent and persistent within me, i have to admit that it really is more like looking out at a cloudy sky and seeing a break of sunlight far out on the horizon. i can say that i'm at least hopeful that it's heading in my direction. that's progress.

no more rain -- kylie minogue

an elegy to a relationship, part one

It's been a good and difficult period of life all at the same time. The next two posts are about the difficult part. Not using many words of my own. For this experience I resort again to my emotional outlet of music, and with that, one of my favorite groups as the messenger. Heard these two songs, which interestingly enough, are back to back on the latest Evanescence album. With each one I felt, "yes, that's what is going on in my heart," and I knew I had to post them here. Click on the title of the song to get to the music, but I've provided the lyrics here as well .

"The Change" - Evanescence



Thought that I was strong

I know the words I need to say

Frozen in my place

I let the moment slip away



I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough



Never meant to lie

But I'm not the girl you think you know

The more that I am with you

The more that I am all alone



I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough



Not that I'm so different

Not that I don't see

The dying light of what we used to be

But how could I forgive you?

You've changed!

And I'm a liar by your side

I'm about to lose my mind



'Cause I've been screaming on the inside

And I know you feel the pain

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



You've been dreaming

If you're thinking

That I still belong to you

And I've been dying,

Because I'm lying to myself!

Aaa aaa aaa [repeats]



Say it's over,

Yes it's over

But I need you anyway

Say you love me but it's not enough

an elegy to a relationship, part two

Continuing to let the music speak for me today about a pain that still burns in my heart.

[Click on Title to Hear Song]

"My Heart Is Broken"


I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.


I pulled away to face the pain.

I close my eyes and drift away.

Over the fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul.

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Torn away from you.



My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

(Over my heart).



I can't go on living this way

But I can't go back the way I came

Chained to this fear that I will never find

A way to heal my soul

And I will wander 'til the end of time

Half alive without you



My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us



Change - open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long

Say goodbye, goodbye



My heart is broken

Release me, I can't hold on

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us

My heart is broken

Sweet sleep, my dark angel

Deliver us from sorrow's hold

my heart's desire

over the past few days, i've had a couple of experiences that have reminded me of a need that resides deep in my heart. there are times that i become fully aware of it and there are times when it remains in my subconscious, but never, ever is it not at work in some form or fashion. i know the need is not unique to me, and i suspect that it is a primal need that exists in all of us. i always define this need as the need "to know and to be fully known." it is this great desire to understand people fully and to be understood fully. i have yet to experience either and recognize that this lack is part of the human condition.

to that last point, i'm reminded of one of the greatest pieces of wisdom that i've ever received. it came in a lunch time conversation with a priest friend back in st. louis. it's funny; i don't remember the particular situation i was discussing with him save that it had to do with my having a difficult time figuring out what was happening in some relationship i was involved in at the time. though i can't remember what i was discussing, his response remains with me to this day. The reason, my priest friend shared, that i was having difficulty with understanding the individual under discussion is that we are all made in the image of god and, on this side of heaven at least, god is mystery to us -- a being/force that we can't fully know or understand. thus, it is with other human beings.

with that bit of insight, i recognize that the need that i carry is likely not possible to be achieved in the land of the living. still, it would be nice to have that special person in my daily life for whom to know me as deeply as possible and likewise for me to know him are among our primary goals. it would be very nice.

so this is christmas?

i originally started this as an email to a friend but rather than burden that person directly, i just decided to post the sentiments here. I'm assuming he will likely find this eventually anyway. Plus, i'm due for a blog entry. 

so it's Christmas Eve morning and as i check my email the gem below is waiting for me. I'm really not sure how to react. i guess i should make like fred and accept the sentiments with the spirit in which they were meant, but it's difficult. how do I feel good about well wishes and encouragements for a happy life when it's the aftermath of my relationship with michael that has me questioning whether or not I will find a loving relationship again -- whether i can have the fulfilled life i desire?  the person he describes that i was seems so far removed from who i am today that it's not even like that person is dead; it's like the events took place in a book or movie -- events i remember but as if they happened to someone else. sigh.  

Subject: Merry Christmas to clarus!!!

Dear clarus,

Merry Christmas!  I hope this year you enjoy the spirit of the holidays, the joyous excitement of this time of the year, and a recognition of your blessings.  May this Christmas fill you with excitement over your new career move, the newness of your new townhouse, and the opportunity to make this your own space with your own furniture and new belongings.  I truly wish you well in everything that you do, in every endeavor you embark upon, and in anything that brings you happiness.

The last several Christmases have been trying times for both of us, but speaking only of you I hope that you regain that boyish excitement about Christmas that you once displayed here in Saint Louis.  May you regain that boyish quality as every Christmas comes and goes!  

I must share with you one Christmas memory from maybe 2003 or 2004 that I shall never forget.  I remember coming down the stairs and seeing the living room beautifully decorated, you with a big smile, and little Nicholas in front of his new travel crate.  Oh my, that picture is vivid in my memory.

I further want to say how grateful I am that you have been in my life, in different roles, and the kindness, and at one time love that you bestowed upon me.  Your high ideals, character, and honor are reflected in the way you have treated me through your unprecedented financial support, both through monthly contributions, and more recently your help with repairs to the house.  Very few men would have done what you have done, and in this I know that I made the right choice in 2001 when I decided that you were "the one."  In many ways you remain my soul-mate, although the conditions have changed, please remember that reserved in my heart is a special, special, and dear place for you that, truthfully, no one will be able to occupy.

Please know that, and pardon my language, how sorry, very sorry I am that I fucked things up.  That is all past, but I want you to know my acknowledgment of what I did, how ashamed I am, and full of remorse over how things turned out.  I shall as for the rest of my life feel shameful about what happened.  Yet turn the page we must, and please know that in this new chapter I stand willing to help you, should you need it, in whatever area, financial, friendship, or emotional.  I will always be there for you, even though our relationship has evolved into a very, very special friendship.

So go forth my dear clarus and build a new life for yourself, seek happiness for you truly, truly deserve it.  Enjoy life, and at this Christmas, 2011, I wish you all the best.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Blessings, and of course, Hugs,

Michael

PS:  Tillie sends a lick :)

bah humbug! i need a nap (and i just woke up). someone wake me when it's 2012.

reconciling a life of faith

i sometimes have difficulty reconciling what is supposed to be good for me with the feelings i'm actually having.

i wrote that sentence in an online chat i was having last night, and from the moment it appeared on the screen, i knew it would be the topic of a blog entry. the particular moment in the discussion involved reflecting on the break-up of my relationship with michael -- the break-up being the "what is supposed to be good for me" and the "feelings i'm actually having" being the sense of pain, loss, missing and still loving him. what's funny though is that the same perspective could be applied to what had been the bulk of the majority of the conversation prior to that moment -- my reengagement in some form of church participation.

now i've always had a somewhat tenuous relationship with organized religion.  i have a great love for my faith, but have an almost equally as great difficulty with how it is practiced and ritualized by various faith traditions. this is particularly true of my years as an evangelical christian (for a more in depth exploration of my faith journey please go here Subjectively Disordered: A Faith Journey in Neutral -- note, you'll likely need to go toward the bottom of the page to find the first entry and work your way up from there). i thought i found my home in the christian family when i became a catholic, but there too i encountered the challenges presented by a holy enterprise enacted by human beings. it's been some five years or so since i last attended mass and for most of that time, if i were being honest (which i try my best to be in this space), i haven't really missed it. of late though that perspective has been shifting.

i attribute much of the shift to my current place of work. in the explorations of the mission and heritage of the work, that is a natural part of my day-to-day activities, i have found myself reawakening to much of the beauty that exists in catholicism and why i was drawn to becoming catholic in the first place. as a result, i have certainly been pondering trying to find a parish and become immersed again in the life of the church. i've also considered involvement in similar and (likely) more progressive faith expressions like the episcopal church. then i have conversations like i had with my friend last evening, who while encouraging me to find a church, was also dredging up all kinds of issues that really brought about my decision to separate in the first place. by the end of that particular chat, i was left with again struggling to reconcile what i suspect to be good for me (participation in parish life) and the feelings i was actually having (anger, frustration, and deep disappointment).

at the heart of it all, i know it does come down to my trying to figure out how to deal with what has become one of the great debates across the christian faith (and indeed even more broadly among other faith traditions) and that is the place of gays and lesbians in the community of faith. it is difficult to watch the debate going on and even more troublesome to see the misconceptions, misperceptions and outright lies that are propagated about who we are and how we desire to live our lives. add to that the attempts of some church authorities to use us as scapegoats for the problems generated by their own dysfunction and abuse of power and you really have a problematic (at the very least) situation to wade through. how do you engage in a community where so many don't want you, view you as dangerous, and use you as a means to distract from the real issues at hand (then again is this not the dilemma that the lgbt population has encountered for centuries in society as a whole)?  

deeper still, i think it comes down to having to find the ability first to enact what are the two seminal, foundational concepts in christian life -- mercy (not giving people what they do deserve as a result of their behaviors and actions) and grace (giving people what they don't deserve given their behaviors and actions). then it's about reenvisioning the positive place that participation in organized religion can have in one's life. clearly, i have a bit more thinking to do, and truly, what would it hurt to walk through the doors of a parish one sunday, take a look around, and see if a new vantage point on the landscape is emerging?