another small dagger

yesterday, i was shopping at the local ikea, looking for various items to help me in my (mostly) annual spring cleaning ritual. as i was rounding the corner to move from lighting to home organization, i happened to glance over at a wall, and there, painted in big white letters, was a "cheerful" little saying -- "designing for happy moments together."

i looked around me at the many groupings of people milling through the store -- couples of every variety, families, friends -- and i realized that, by and large, that painted commentary was likely true for much of the assembled clientele that day. yes, true for them but not for me. in my life, there are no happy moments anywhere on my horizon and there is certainly no other with whom to be designing them together in view.

and there we had it. in the middle of a store that has become a favorite destination for home shoppers on a budget far and wide, another small dagger hurled into my heart. fortunately for it there are several others nestled there already to keep it company.

collapse

i woke up this morning with one simple thought, "i just can't anymore."

from broken to shattered

this past weekend i was stumbling around in the kitchen, attempting to pull together some reasonable facsimile of a meal. as i reached for something across the counter, i knocked a small drinking glass off and tumbling down to the wood floor below it went. it hit hard and shattered into more pieces than i thought possible -- shards and slivers of glass spread a great distance across my kitchen floor.

for many months i've described my spirit as feeling broken. this week and definitely in the past couple of day i've been in an overall state that has felt much more like that drinking glass. broken implies something that has come apart in a few places but the general form is still intact and it's fairly clear how to repair it if you had some form of adhesive or connector. shattered, on the other hand, indicates that the object has been so thoroughly damaged that it is almost impossible to discern what the object even was let alone have any clue as to how to restore it.

there is this feeling of deep hopelessness that accompanies being in this state. no idea where to begin to get well. a feeling that restoration to any semblance of wholeness is not even probably let alone possible. better to just do with it what i did with the glass and sweep it up and put it in the trash.

is that what is happening to me? maybe people have examined the wreckage and thought there is no hope for salvation here, no value to be created. better to just avoid the debris, so one doesn't get affected in any way. hopefully someone will come along soon and remove this mess so the world can move forward with more important concerns.

how am i doing? i'm not sure it matters much at this point.

the invisible illness

the worst and most insidiously damaging part about having depression as a chronic illness is the almost invisible nature of it. unlike a broken limb or some other disfiguring ailment, the depression sufferer has very few visible manifestations. unlike the person who has had a loss of a loved one or a setback in a job or relationship, those of us who deal with this condition find the experience very solitary.

if i can judge fairly by my own experience, there is not much support and even less understanding to be garnered from friends, family, work colleagues or acquaintances. those who care and that you even dare let know (because mental illness can be seen as a sign of weakness and inability to fulfill one's responsibilities), try but are often at a loss as to what to say and tend to worry more about saying the wrong thing. there are also the inevitable admonitions of "cheer up," "just try to think positively" or "don't be so negative about everything" that are expressed. and again in my case, though i know not meant by the encourager, in my hurt i hear that the state i am in is my fault, that i am not trying hard enough, that i'm not finding the right solutions, that i'm not open to being helped, that i'm doing it all wrong (it's funny, the experience is very similar to what i was experiencing as i was trying to come to terms with being gay).

of late, i have found being in this state is creating the perception that people do not want to be around or engage me to any great degree. it's caused me both to hunger for connection and comfort and to retreat from contact for fear i will be rejected and reminded that i am broken, difficult to understand or relate to, and really not worth the effort given the challenges that others face in their daily lives.

it's been almost two years since this latest incarnation of depressive episodes have appeared, much of it without any type of break. in the midst of this, i've done my best to push forward at work and in my personal life. as is my habit with work, i've pushed myself to a point past exhaustion with very little sense of accomplishment and even less positive reinforcement. and personally, i am alone and isolated from any substantive experiences of love, support or encouragement. and through all these many days, weeks and months, the pain has remained locked inside of me hidden to those in my daily life behind an unfeeling smile and a false air of positivity. and i die a little more each day.

but now i'm at the point where i cannot put off checking in with my medical care provider and share that little progress has been made since we last met almost a year ago. i am fearful of his reaction given the last time he wanted me to consider inpatient treatment for my condition and had even indicated that it might not be my decision to make. if such a thing were to occur i see that as being the end of all that i have accomplished professionally. there would be no coming back from something like that to a role with the level of accountability that i have let alone gaining even more.

all i have ever wanted in life is to love and be loved and to make a positive difference in the world. i have not felt much of a sense of the former in quite some time and now it feels as if the ability to accomplish the latter will soon be stripped from me as well. if my life does not have the two vital elements that i've hoped for then what do i have? what is my life?

where are you, part 1,265,887 (and counting)?

come down from the tree - audra mcdonald

when the dreaming stops

another favorite song from many years ago. it's from a new album i recently purchased, but the song is a selection from a movie from my childhood that is much beloved by both children and adults alike.

my first play of this song was in the car today on the way to running some errands. in listening to it, as moving as the performance is, i couldn't help but reflect on how far separated i am from the person that i was -- the dreamer that could bring the admonition of this song to life. and as the song played on and my eyes let loose a few quiet tears i wondered what becomes of a person when the dreaming stops?

pure imagination -- josh groban (from the album stages)

better neither seen nor heard

i was just sitting here at my desk wondering why i feel like i'm becoming increasingly insular in my life - why i seem to be reaching out and making contact with people less and less. this is one of those times where the answer came to me pretty quickly. i realized that somewhere along the way, likely in part due to the various conversations that i've had with certain folks about the challenge of dealing with me in my depression, i've come to believe that while i'm in this state of being, people just would prefer not to deal with me. in essence when it comes to interactions with me unless i'm in a positive and optimistic frame of mind, it would be best for me to remain out of sight and out of mind.

that's not to say that when people contact me, i do not or would not respond. i do and would. in fact, i suppose, i see someone reaching out to me as a sign that the particular individual wants to engage with me no matter my emotional condition and so it's "safe" to respond with how i'm doing and feeling.

i should make it clear that i am not saying that my perceptions are correct. i'm just stating what seems to be the prevailing perspective that is resulting in a certain action (or i guess more accurately "inaction") on my part. the sad thing is i have no idea how to change this state of mind or even if i should. i mean, while i'm not saying that the perspectives are correct, i'm not necessarily stating that they are wrong either.