what do you do when you feel you have so much love in your heart that it feels as if it's about to burst, but there never seems to be anyone in your life who wants to be the recipient of that love?
no matter how much every fiber of your being wants to give yourself completely to loving, caring about, supporting, believing in and encouraging another person in a deeply intimate relationship, all that ever seems to happen is that people choose to take a pass on all that you have and want to give.
no matter how kind or generous or honest you strive to be, it's never enough.
no matter how much you may want love in your life or attempt to have it be so, it never works out.
what do you do when this is your life?
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
even when you know
i had the opportunity to have a brief online chat with my friend this past weekend. he shared with me that basically the reason i have not heard from him is that he's in his own unhappy place right now. i certainly can relate to what that's like, and i tried to find out what is causing him some level of pain and concern. he wasn't in the space of wanting to open up, responding simply that it was difficult to explain.
it's at that point in the conversation that i realized and shared that this particular dynamic was a difficult one for our friendship. he has some type of struggle. it causes him to withdraw. he withdraws and i blame myself for being the reason which in turn triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. he said that the withdrawal wasn't intentional and that our friendship, from his point of view, was solid. i shared a variation on my oft-repeated phrase that while that statement might be true, it didn't feel as if it were true, but that i also understood the reason for his withdrawal. i emphasized that i would always be here for him with my door open even though he never seemed to want to walk through the door.
i do understand the reasons for the distance and lack of active engagement that has developed. as i also shared with him, i am very concerned with how he's doing. i want him to be well and happy. my heart truly aches from the thought that he is anything but. i did tell him that i wouldn't continue to attempt to intrude on his daily life, but i would check in with him from time to time to see how he is doing.
i was just running an errand and he came to mind. i thought about how maybe some semblance of the previous level of contact might return but doubted that it would. with that, the same feelings of concern about being abandoned and forgotten arose in my heart accompanied by a moment of deep sadness.
it then hit me that even when you know the reason for why a situation is happening, it doesn't necessarily make the pain or fear that it elicits go away, any less painful or any easier to manage. i think this is particularly true when you are still dealing with the ghosts of similar past experiences.
what i also realize is that whatever i'm going through, it's not my friend's problem. it's something i have to deal with on my own. actually, even though it's not his issue to deal with, it certainly would be nice to have someone here to help me find my way through it all.
it's at that point in the conversation that i realized and shared that this particular dynamic was a difficult one for our friendship. he has some type of struggle. it causes him to withdraw. he withdraws and i blame myself for being the reason which in turn triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. he said that the withdrawal wasn't intentional and that our friendship, from his point of view, was solid. i shared a variation on my oft-repeated phrase that while that statement might be true, it didn't feel as if it were true, but that i also understood the reason for his withdrawal. i emphasized that i would always be here for him with my door open even though he never seemed to want to walk through the door.
i do understand the reasons for the distance and lack of active engagement that has developed. as i also shared with him, i am very concerned with how he's doing. i want him to be well and happy. my heart truly aches from the thought that he is anything but. i did tell him that i wouldn't continue to attempt to intrude on his daily life, but i would check in with him from time to time to see how he is doing.
i was just running an errand and he came to mind. i thought about how maybe some semblance of the previous level of contact might return but doubted that it would. with that, the same feelings of concern about being abandoned and forgotten arose in my heart accompanied by a moment of deep sadness.
it then hit me that even when you know the reason for why a situation is happening, it doesn't necessarily make the pain or fear that it elicits go away, any less painful or any easier to manage. i think this is particularly true when you are still dealing with the ghosts of similar past experiences.
what i also realize is that whatever i'm going through, it's not my friend's problem. it's something i have to deal with on my own. actually, even though it's not his issue to deal with, it certainly would be nice to have someone here to help me find my way through it all.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
where is that piece?
you know how when you're doing a puzzle, and it's one of those where you don't know what the picture is of, i.e., no picture on the box. you've got just these random shapes scattered across a table. you start to sort through the pieces attempting to find shapes that fit together. eventually you do, but they're still just shapes with colors. you still have no idea of what you're creating, and so the pieces just sit in the middle of the table waiting for their correct placement in the overall picture.
then you find that one piece that gives you a sense of at least what a part of the puzzle is all about. you look for other pieces that build out the image further. the more matching pieces you find the more you see what you're building. soon the pieces you built at the start find their natural home in the overall scheme of the larger picture, and before long all the pieces are assembled. they all fit together. they all have a place, and now it all makes sense.
"oh, it's a church in a field," you say, or it might be a skyscraper in a city. maybe it's a pure white sandy beach resting at the edge of a crystal blue ocean. it may be a hiker standing at the top of a mountain or children playing in a playground. it might even be a picture of a favorite moment that you shared with someone else, who in turn converted it into a puzzle for you to enjoy assembling and remembering the time you had together when you were done.
whatever the picture, once you found that one piece, the work of creating it gave you a sense of purpose, and once done, gazing upon it filled you with a sense of accomplishment. there is something to be said for having these experiences in life.
most of my life has felt very much like the first paragraph. the work, the relationships, the experiences, the joys, the hurts all seem like those random puzzle pieces that don't really fit in a larger picture that is clear or makes sense.
there have been times when i've thought i had found that one piece that told me what the larger picture of my life is all about. it might have come in the form of a particular job or friendship or religious experience, but before long it's clear that while there is likely some connection to the picture of my life, my place, my purpose and my direction in this thing we call living continues to elude me.
i look around me, and it seems that so many people have their pictures strongly etched in their minds. their lives seem to be more about spending their time on this planet putting all their puzzle pieces into place. i'm also aware that disruptive events (some minor, some major) can happen that can either cause some pieces to be shifted or sweep their puzzle off the table completely, placing it back in the heap of random shapes that were there when they first came out of the box. eventually though, they will find that one clarifying piece again and start building their lives anew.
i am in another place where whatever pieces i've had put together have been swept off the table. each time this has happened, it has become harder to feel encouraged to start building again. i keep hoping to find that one piece of the puzzle. there are times i wonder if when my box was assembled, someone forgot to place that one piece inside.
so here's a repeat song. it popped into my head as i was finishing this entry, so i figure it must be worth sharing again. this is a performance of the song done shortly after he had written it (you'll see he shares that it doesn't even have a title yet at that time).
long and far away - james taylor
then you find that one piece that gives you a sense of at least what a part of the puzzle is all about. you look for other pieces that build out the image further. the more matching pieces you find the more you see what you're building. soon the pieces you built at the start find their natural home in the overall scheme of the larger picture, and before long all the pieces are assembled. they all fit together. they all have a place, and now it all makes sense.
"oh, it's a church in a field," you say, or it might be a skyscraper in a city. maybe it's a pure white sandy beach resting at the edge of a crystal blue ocean. it may be a hiker standing at the top of a mountain or children playing in a playground. it might even be a picture of a favorite moment that you shared with someone else, who in turn converted it into a puzzle for you to enjoy assembling and remembering the time you had together when you were done.
whatever the picture, once you found that one piece, the work of creating it gave you a sense of purpose, and once done, gazing upon it filled you with a sense of accomplishment. there is something to be said for having these experiences in life.
most of my life has felt very much like the first paragraph. the work, the relationships, the experiences, the joys, the hurts all seem like those random puzzle pieces that don't really fit in a larger picture that is clear or makes sense.
there have been times when i've thought i had found that one piece that told me what the larger picture of my life is all about. it might have come in the form of a particular job or friendship or religious experience, but before long it's clear that while there is likely some connection to the picture of my life, my place, my purpose and my direction in this thing we call living continues to elude me.
i look around me, and it seems that so many people have their pictures strongly etched in their minds. their lives seem to be more about spending their time on this planet putting all their puzzle pieces into place. i'm also aware that disruptive events (some minor, some major) can happen that can either cause some pieces to be shifted or sweep their puzzle off the table completely, placing it back in the heap of random shapes that were there when they first came out of the box. eventually though, they will find that one clarifying piece again and start building their lives anew.
i am in another place where whatever pieces i've had put together have been swept off the table. each time this has happened, it has become harder to feel encouraged to start building again. i keep hoping to find that one piece of the puzzle. there are times i wonder if when my box was assembled, someone forgot to place that one piece inside.
so here's a repeat song. it popped into my head as i was finishing this entry, so i figure it must be worth sharing again. this is a performance of the song done shortly after he had written it (you'll see he shares that it doesn't even have a title yet at that time).
long and far away - james taylor
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Saturday, October 10, 2015
where the pain becomes too much
i think i'm in that place where the pain of my current situation has become more than i can continue to contemplate. i know this to be true because i'm at the point where every time i think about a painful experience my heart literally becomes so heavy and hurts so much that it feels as if either my chest will rip open at any moment or my insides will come pouring out of my tear ducts in a great rush.
i had plans for writing some additional blog entries about how i am feeling about this particular friendship or at least the difficult emotional state that has emerged from its seeming dissolution, the outlines of which sit on a scrap of paper at my side. well, sharing those thoughts no longer holds any interest for me. it feels like a fruitless exercise at this point, seeing as all it really does is cause me to reside in the hurt longer with no real escape from it.
all this being stated, i think it's time for me to step away from this blog for awhile and wait to come back when the focus of my entries won't be about sean's sudden departure. i need to see if i can find at least some reasonable approximation of healing in the near term before attempting to express myself again in this space.
i'm not sure how one fully recovers from the experience of someone walking out of your life with not even a backward glance (it's happened to me on two other occasions and the wounds from those experiences still linger very deep in my soul). even with all the pain that came from my relationship with michael, i haven't done that to him.
i guess that's just the way the world is or at least my world. i'm still not sure what i've done to have these kind of relationship experiences continue to recur in my life. in this particular situation (just like the other two significant ones), it doesn't look like i will ever know.
i had plans for writing some additional blog entries about how i am feeling about this particular friendship or at least the difficult emotional state that has emerged from its seeming dissolution, the outlines of which sit on a scrap of paper at my side. well, sharing those thoughts no longer holds any interest for me. it feels like a fruitless exercise at this point, seeing as all it really does is cause me to reside in the hurt longer with no real escape from it.
all this being stated, i think it's time for me to step away from this blog for awhile and wait to come back when the focus of my entries won't be about sean's sudden departure. i need to see if i can find at least some reasonable approximation of healing in the near term before attempting to express myself again in this space.
i'm not sure how one fully recovers from the experience of someone walking out of your life with not even a backward glance (it's happened to me on two other occasions and the wounds from those experiences still linger very deep in my soul). even with all the pain that came from my relationship with michael, i haven't done that to him.
i guess that's just the way the world is or at least my world. i'm still not sure what i've done to have these kind of relationship experiences continue to recur in my life. in this particular situation (just like the other two significant ones), it doesn't look like i will ever know.
it does seem that way
yesterday, i was reading a review of the new janet jackson album (did i mention that i love it?), and the following quote struck me as a clear reflection of how i've been feeling of late:
the highlight “after you fall” isn’t much more than a minimal piano and a hushed vocal that proves how big a small voice can be. in that song and “the great forever,” which starts with trip-hoppish electronics, jackson considers how cruelly the world treats people who are kind and idealistic.
as has been evident from the last several entries (and many others dispersed throughout this site), i'm struggling with what i've done wrong to deserve the experience i'm having now. i try my best to be kind, to be giving, to be caring. yes, i have had major struggles with depression and insecurities, but does that mean i don't deserve to have meaningful relationships, that what i do deserve is to be alone and unloved?
i continue to be lost about what is going on with my life. i still hope for something really good to happen. it feels like i'm hoping in vain.
here's one of the songs that is referenced in the quote above. it's one that wrecks me every time i hear it because for me, in my life right now, the answer to the question that's posed is always, "i really don't know."
after you fall - janet jackson
the highlight “after you fall” isn’t much more than a minimal piano and a hushed vocal that proves how big a small voice can be. in that song and “the great forever,” which starts with trip-hoppish electronics, jackson considers how cruelly the world treats people who are kind and idealistic.
as has been evident from the last several entries (and many others dispersed throughout this site), i'm struggling with what i've done wrong to deserve the experience i'm having now. i try my best to be kind, to be giving, to be caring. yes, i have had major struggles with depression and insecurities, but does that mean i don't deserve to have meaningful relationships, that what i do deserve is to be alone and unloved?
i continue to be lost about what is going on with my life. i still hope for something really good to happen. it feels like i'm hoping in vain.
here's one of the songs that is referenced in the quote above. it's one that wrecks me every time i hear it because for me, in my life right now, the answer to the question that's posed is always, "i really don't know."
after you fall - janet jackson
Friday, October 9, 2015
a special kind of pain
there is a special kind of pain that comes from the experience of deeply caring for someone and feeling that it is neither appreciated or reciprocated. as shared in a few entries of late, this is the experience i find myself in now.
as a result, i have been doubting that attempting any degree of dedicated engagement in a relationship makes any difference in the quality of the experience or its long-term sustainability. i guess another way of expressing this perspective is i continue to be haunted by the thought that it never seems to matter what i do, how hard i try to give the best of myself in a relationship, the relationship seems to be inevitably doomed to failure
i do not know how to ease the heaviness of my heart. i pray that someway, somehow through whatever means, known or unknown to me, the weight will be lifted; and i will feel free to give myself fully and freely to relationships again.
i heard the song i'm posting in my ride to the airport this morning for my return trip home. though it really doesn't describe my specific situation, it certainly conveys the spirit of this special kind of pain.
diary - bread
as a result, i have been doubting that attempting any degree of dedicated engagement in a relationship makes any difference in the quality of the experience or its long-term sustainability. i guess another way of expressing this perspective is i continue to be haunted by the thought that it never seems to matter what i do, how hard i try to give the best of myself in a relationship, the relationship seems to be inevitably doomed to failure
i do not know how to ease the heaviness of my heart. i pray that someway, somehow through whatever means, known or unknown to me, the weight will be lifted; and i will feel free to give myself fully and freely to relationships again.
i heard the song i'm posting in my ride to the airport this morning for my return trip home. though it really doesn't describe my specific situation, it certainly conveys the spirit of this special kind of pain.
diary - bread
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