it's about always moving forward

there is a statement that is made in the film the september issue, rj cutler's wonderful documentary about the making of the 2007 september issue of vogue magazine, that i think of often. it is made by grace coddington, at the time vogue's immensely talented creative director, as she's traveling in a car through the streets of paris. in a reflection on the nature of fashion she states something to the effect that "fashion is about always moving forward." it is a perspective that is echoed by grace's boss, the inimitable editor in chief anna wintour later in the film.

the reason i think about this sentiment so much is I believe it actually speaks to what is essentially the essence of life. our orientation must always be about moving forward and not trying to stay in or retain what is past.

this truism came to mind this morning as i thought about an online chat i had with a friend last night, the same friend who was in fact the subject of the latter half of yesterday's blog entry.

it's funny that as i was finishing that entry, up popped his greeting as a response to a ping i had sent out earlier. i won't go into the specific content of the conversation here. what i will share is that by the end of it, i said i felt better about things between us and he shared that he did as well.

so this morning i woke up and thought about how i was ready to move forward with whatever form the relationship might take from here. that's when ms. coddington's perspective on fashion came to the forefront of my mind. in that moment it became crystal clear that all this time i had been trying to get us to move back to the past dynamic of our relationship rather than being open to what the future state might be.

it's not an unusual reaction to have when change takes place. you've had something good that you've enjoyed and you want that to last as long as it can. so when the changes of life come along and disturb that cherished dynamic, you fight like hell to preserve it, and, well, that never works. in fact, it can ruin what you do have.

in all honesty, i've known this to be true for some time, but the acknowledgement was a begrudging one. i guess the image would be one of my being dragged into the future. now, i see myself walking into it willingly.

as i shared with my friend last night, it is rare in this life when you find someone who you feel like gets you and vice-versa. those are the relationships i think we should do our best to hold onto, but we also have to be willing to let how they work change, adapting to new life circumstances.

after all, life really is about always moving forward and recognizing by doing so maybe, just maybe even better times lay ahead.

something new, something old

one of the strange things about life is how the simplest of gestures can set off a cascade of events that lead to a monumental change. you get a message from a search firm recruiter about a job more than halfway across the country. you agree to a chat. that chat leads to a series of interviews. next thing you know you have a job offer that you accept, and you find yourself preparing for a move to a new place and a new phase of your life. at least that's been my experience over the past couple of months.

and then there is another gesture. you send a text message to a friend saying you want to talk later about this new opportunity -- an opportunity that will lead to your moving to the same city in which he resides. with this comes the hope that your increasingly distant relationship will have a chance to reverse course. your friend says he will try to talk with you that evening, but it doesn't happen. you send a few texts, but there's no response. you wait for days with no word about when if ever you will connect. then you see he's online and you reach out again and then there's a connection.

there is an apology for why you didn't connect that evening days before. he shares with you that he has gotten a job in another city and will be moving there likely before you even make your move. you congratulate him on his success, but there is no reciprocal response to your news. a conversation, the longest you two have had in a long time ensues. you share this seems to be a sign that perhaps this is "the end of our run." he protests and says it's not the end. you rebut and in your heart you know that all you hoped for this particular relationship will never come to pass. you go to bed weepy and have had moments ever since when he comes to mind. this too has been my experience.

and so here i sit, writing once again in this blog about things to come and things that have been. i am on the cusp of entering what i hope will be an exciting and fulfilling new chapter in my life, yet i know i will be carrying some of the pain of this chapter forward with me as well. things may be new but some things never change.

a single question

a night in the city we first met. a stroll past the hotel where we first talked and the restaurant where we shared our first meal. a cool breeze, this time of spring, that time of fall, both the same in feeling. memories stir emotions deep in my heart. a wistful sigh and this single question forms in my mind, "what happened?"

this great absence

the familiar voices in my life have gone silent. there are legitimate, understandable reasons for this occurrence, and yet, that fact does little to assuage the emotional pain.

i leave work and i enter into this great absence. save the much appreciated daily email exchanges with a dear friend, there is no other consistent contact with another person. it is just me.

once again, i feel lost and alone and to some degree abandoned. i place no blame on my otherwise occupied friends. they too have difficulties and new challenges of their own to bear, and the sense of abandonment comes from a place far deeper than the reaction to current circumstances.

"nature abhors a vacuum" is a fundamental law of the universe. for me, when this phenomenon of the great absence occurs in my life, past hurts, disappointments, and losses from previous relationships rush in to fill the space. this is not the kind of company that i am looking for.

i follow - audra mcdonld w/theresa mccarthy

unwanted

it is how i feel. it is not a good place to be, and life continues to hide my way out. 

is it a foolish to want to be rescued from this lonely state? is it foolish to believe that there will ever be anyone who cares enough to do so? 

 

i see now why i continue to ask these questions. unwanted. it's really all i've ever known.  

on half the bed

every night i sleep on a king-sized bed. almost every night for most of the past several years, i have slept in that bed alone. the strange thing, given a bed of that size, is that, for all of that time, i've only slept on half of the bed. every night i settle into the right side of the bed, and when it is time for sleep, i turn off the light on my nightstand, roll over on my side and drift off to slumber, all the time remaining on the right half of the bed. every morning i awake still on the right side.

i'm sure part of the reason for my utilization of only half my available sleeping space is that for seven years and on and off for an additional five (more off than on), i shared that bed and the right side of it was my constant space of occupation.

well, that was then. why do i continue to do so now?

i don't really have an answer to that question. it's not as if i haven't thought about it before -- the fact that giving up so much of that sleeping real estate seems absurd. maybe it is just a matter of habit. twelve years is definitely a long enough period of time to get into a rut. maybe it's a matter of efficiency. after all, it's easier to get in and out of the bed when you sleep on the edge.

i've thought about making a change but never seem able to do so. instead, as i prepare to fall asleep, i clutch a pillow, pull it close to me and proceed to spoon with it as a vain substitute for a companion that seems there never will be again.

in the past two plus years since i left michael, i have had exactly one man share my bed, and as might be expected he slept on the left half of the mattress (after all, i have over a decade of prior claim to the right). it was just for one night, though given my prior and continued friendship with this person, i would not characterize it as a "one night stand." that's a brief moment given the period of time in which the left space has remained unoccupied. still, it was nice while it lasted. the unfortunate by-product of that experience though is that at times i am haunted by that night. as i go to bed and roll over to my left side, i look straight ahead at that empty space and am drawn back to that night when there was a lingering (if only fleetingly) presence by my side (i even experienced a brief moment of spooning -- my friend professes he isn't much of a cuddler).

i don't think he is likely to return to that empty half of the bed though he is most definitely more than welcome to. even so, it's likely i'll continue lying on that right half of the bed, waiting for someone to fill that empty space and hopefully my very empty life.

approaching the next hurdle

shortly after the new year, i was doing some early morning grocery shopping, and as i walked through the aisles looking for the various items i needed to fill my depleted pantry at home, i passed by the card section. there before me was an aisle festooned with pink and red hearts, streamers, balloons and ribbons. it took me only a second to realize that the celebratory trappings of the holiday season had now been replaced by those of valentine's day. thinking back on how through the latter half of the holidays i had been somewhat affected by feelings of loneliness, i commented to myself, "oh, i guess that's the next emotional hurdle i will need to get past."

fast forward to this week. a couple of days ago, i had a pretty candid discussion with a friend about some hurtful dynamics that had emerged in our relationship. i recounted to him some of the same perspectives that i've shared over the last few blog entries, namely, my having the feeling that no matter what i do, no matter how good a friend i've tried to be to him, it feels that all of that effort hasn't mattered at all.

it was a difficult conversation though not so much because of its tenor. there were no accusations, harsh statements, or defensiveness. he did make some attempt to reassure me that i did matter to him, and that the issues were more about how he's been reacting to some things going on in his own life. it was difficult because unpacking all of that emotion and putting it on naked display is just a hard thing to do. to have to relive all that pain and yet have no real resolution (because i knew despite the reassurances there would be no changes in behavior on my friend's part) is as draining and disheartening as it gets.

today, i was driving to work listening to what became apparent was the closing moments of a radio program. as the hosts brought the show to it's finish, they signed off by enthusiastically wishing everyone a happy valentine's day. as a regular listener to this particular show, i knew that both of the hosts are married with kids, so i thought that naturally they approached valentine's day with great excitement. i did wonder though if they could have dialed down the cheerfulness just a bit for those of us for whom this particular holiday is a challenging one.

as i pulled into my parking space, i thought of that difficult conversation from a two nights previous. in it i shared that a particular event that had happened last fall between my friend and me had broken me. that feeling of being broken came over me again as i stood beside my car. i just had this sense that my will to believe or even hope for things to be better in terms of having that vital companionship was just gone without even the slightest trace remaining, leaving behind this pervasive sense of utter desolation. "how will i ever come back from this?" i asked myself. no answer came or has arisen since.

from that point on it felt as if my next hurdle would actually be just getting through the rest of the day.