stopover

so my travels continue with a stopover in st. louis to visit with michael. while it is always a delight to have time with the spousal unit, i find my visits to st. louis to always be a challenge. while it doesn't help that my hubby is somewhat domestically incapable and the house generally still resembles a scene from "grey gardens," the challenge i speak of is more interior than exterior.

while i certainly experienced and learned quite a bit when i lived here on a more permanent basis, not all of the experiences were good and the learning was not always pleasant. in fact there was much pain involved with each.

while i was on the back deck last night, waiting for our dog to finish her business, i was very much struck with the thought of how the emotional pain i experienced is very much resident in this place. i choose the word "resident" purposely as it is very much as if all of the struggle and hurt that i experienced actually lives here, waiting for me to come back for a visit. and as with any visit to a city where one used to live, there are times when i see this "old friend" in passing, others when he comes and sits down with me for a nice long chat, and some when i don't see him at all. he's never actually welcome, and i tend to find myself always on edge as to whether or when he will appear.

last night, it was a passing glance. no specific memories but just the general feeling of sadness that the troubled times left in their wake. then again, i did bring some of that feeling with me. i'd hoped that i could leave it behind when i move on to my next destination, but i know it will just be waiting for me the next time i return.