the light is out

a few weeks ago, the light bulb in the walk-in closet off my master bedroom went out. it's one of those circular fluorescent type of bulbs, and having none on hand, i went to the home depot near my house to get a replacement. i ended up purchasing two. one to immediately fix the situation and the other to have ready the next time the light went out. when i got home, i got out my trusty ladder, climbed up, replaced the bulb, put the fixture back in place, climbed down and went to flip the light switch. nothing happened. no flash, no light, nothing. "must be a faulty bulb," i thought. "good thing i bought an extra one."

i then repeated the process. same result. though i suspected two faulty bulbs in a row was unlikely, i decided to go to a different store and purchase additional bulbs. this time i bought four. i also wondered if maybe the way i was putting them in was wrong and decided to vary my approach. i made an attempt four different times in four different ways. each time the same result. no light. so now i have a lamp sitting in the closet, six replacement bulbs, and plans to let my landlord know that the fixture isn't working.

this week has been a very challenging week for me. i've probably been at the lowest emotional point i've been at in quite some time. yesterday was particularly difficult. certainly my blog entry which started the day was likely a harbinger of the day to come, but even i was not aware of how bad i felt at that point. every interaction, every activity was a challenge for me to be focused and engaged. as the day wore on, i kept questioning if i was going to be able to get through the next activity. finally, at about 4 p.m., i had completed all the scheduled meetings and decided to leave a bit early (which for me meant concluding after a 10 hour work day rather than the 12 i've been averaging for the past couple of months).

i decided to stop by a bookstore on my way home to do some browsing, hoping it would help my mood. i wandered through the store as aimlessly as i had my day unable to focus on anything. i stopped in front of the wall of magazines and just stared ahead and asked myself, "what is wrong with me?" no sooner than the question had come to mind, i heard a small internal voice say, "your spirit is broken." and my heart so resonated with that truth that i started to cry. needless to say that was when i decided to head home.

if you've been reading this blog this week, it should be no surprise to you that i have been struggling with a particular friendship. a struggle that certainly has been happening beyond this week, but this week it has been particularly acute. our friendship being carried out over hundreds of miles and two time zones has meant that it has been a primarily virtual based relationship. as such, we are greatly reliant on technology and timing to work in our favor. and this week, when it comes to the latter, it feels that we have been way off.

as a result, as i have opened my heart and laid bare my soul over text and instant messaging, i have more often than not gone to bed with either incomplete responses or no feedback at all. and the interactions have continued to erode my confidence and yes, broken my spirit to the point that yesterday i couldn't find it in my heart to text him at all. except for one moment. i sent the briefest of texts to say hi, acknowledging that i had been depressed and hence the reason for the delay in communicating.

i went to take a bath and started reflecting on all that had happened between us over the course of the week. then, i think i had what can best be termed a psychotic break. i was having difficulty forming complete sentences and thoughts. for whatever reason i felt compelled to attempt  to share with him what i was feeling, and so, when the bath was done, i opened my computer and just started typing.

i shared in halting sentences that i could tell the reason i had been unable to text him was that i was afraid of opening my heart to him again because i had been hurt so much by the experience. i stated that i knew the hurt was neither purposeful or intentional on his part, but the pain still brought me to a state that was almost primal in its reaction. cause and effect was all my mind could register and intention had no place in that dynamic.

upon completing the instant messaging, i texted him that i had tried to explain my current state on skype. he responded that he was out for an after work drink with a colleague and that he would read it when he got home.

now the irony of this particular scene is that in sharing that i was afraid of being hurt by opening my heart and being vulnerable, i was actually creating another opportunity for the exact same thing to happen again. and happen again it did.

there was no dialogue or interaction about what i shared. just the same hours of silence that i've experienced over the course of this entire week. i went to bed sad, and a spirit that i thought already badly broken went snap, crackle, pop even more.

when i opened my computer this morning, i found a brief declaration that he had arrived about an hour or so after i had gone to sleep. there was no comment on what i had written. and the almost imperceptible sound of a breaking spirit happened yet again.

the light is out. in my closet. in my heart. in my life.