my incapacity to care

i woke up this morning and laid in bed for awhile. i felt fatigue in all of the dimensions of my being -- body, mind, and spirit. and with that was this sense that i didn't care about much of anything that was happening in my life. my friendship with sean, my relationship with my mom, the various projects going on at work and the related interactions with colleagues -- none of these could really engender much engagement let alone enthusiasm. but i could tell it wasn't so much that i truly had ceased caring about all of these things. it was more that i was worn out from caring so much about them and managing the disappointments related to each.

and now as i am a little further into the day, i can't say that i feel any differently. it feels like my capacity to care has been shorted out and all that exists is a shell of a person, going through the motions of life but not appreciating anything about it. and this incapacity to care is seeping into other aspects of my life perspective. what difference does it make that i am in therapy? what's the point of my going on vacation? in fact, coming to this blog and writing these words is taking quite a bit of effort as i question what does it matter that i write these words?

it's difficult for someone like me, for whom being a caring person is such an important aspect of my identity, to be in this state. "to care," for me, is as vital as breathing. i can't fathom existing without that as an integral part of how i live out my life. i can't imagine wanting to. and yet it feels like i don't (really can't) seem to care anymore, and i have no idea how to get that feeling back again.