so this morning i woke up a little less tired than yesterday but no less weary. as i wrote to a friend yesterday, "life just isn't that great right now." i would imagine that if i thought that the current state of my life has the potential for changing at anytime in the foreseeable future the weariness would not be as pronounced. and yet every day i search for that kernel of hope that things will get better, and it continues to elude me.
yesterday i wrote about being in a state of an incapacity to care. i'm realizing now that that incapacity extends to my ability to feel cared for or about as well. the sense that i matter to the people i wish to matter to is more deeply hidden than that kernel of hope that i referenced earlier. and between these bookends of an inability to care or feel cared for, i sit in my continuing quiet sadness.
and so another day begins. i just wish i could find a way to view it as more than merely seconds, minutes, and hours that i have to endure before i get to sleep and escape.
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