life is shifting and every day i feel a little less well. my capacity to care may be impaired, but my ability to perceive slights and internalize them as negative commentary on my value and worth as a desirable friend seems to be well intact.
the dialogues seem to be becoming increasingly infrequent and without substance. i put out messages and they go unacknowledged. i share my thoughts and they go uncommented upon. and it all makes me feel so small, so insignificant. i had hoped for so much more. i think i've tried my best to be a friend even through the depression and disappointments and every day it feels like it is all slipping away. what i have is not enough. what i give is not wanted. who i am is broken and will soon be left behind and a distant, faded memory if not entirely forgotten all together.
i got a note from michael today. he wrote it late last night. he has moved into his new home. he and charles are doing well and i suspect (from a scan of my facebook newsfeed) are cohabitating at least part time. he seems happy. and so in less than a year michael has found love and a new lease on life. and my world continues to feel as if it will never be right and i will never be well, let alone happy.
and so into yet another day i go. i wish it were otherwise.
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marin mazzie - back to before (ragtime) July 4, 1998
ii was reminded of this performance tonight and wanted to share it here as a tribute to a phenomenal talent who left us way too soon.
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