inspired

just a little while ago, i was driving back from my haircut appointment and had a moment in which the hurt i've been experiencing of late came together and thrust itself forward in my mind as a simple statement. these things happen to me from time to time (as i'm sure they do for many of you). i'm not exactly clear on why it happens (though i imagine it has something to do with our constantly at work subconscious mind), but when it does it can be a moment of revelation that can bring me new peace of mind or it can bring greater insight into the source of the pain. always it's a thought that enters gently and effortlessly and leaves a deep impact on my emotional state.

so what was the thought? it was simply, "i wish that i were the kind of person that inspired men to want to engage with me." and i knew that i was saying that in whatever form of relationship i desired with another man -- friend, boyfriend, lover, spouse -- i felt i did not evoke a depth of interest or motivation in that person to engage in said relationship in any meaningful way.

i think about my friendships with men over the years and how they tend to start with great interest on the part of the other guy and then they slowly leave and i fade away into an insignificant memory. i think about my relationship with michael. he said he loved me deeply. but that love didn't seem to motivate him to actually demonstrate it in even small ways -- no picking me up or taking me to the airport, no physical intimacy, no support of the things that made me happy. and now he is with someone new and from a distance, it appears charles is receiving the inspired engagement i wanted for myself. i guess it's good to see that can happen for michael.

i would like to think that i am an engaged partner in whatever relationship i am in but perhaps that is a false self-impression. whatever i have, whoever i am it feels that it's not what other men want.

dr. s would tell me that i should try not to harbor these perspectives about myself. he would tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. there is no fundamental flaw and that there are many men out there with whom i can have wonderful relationships of all kinds. and i would share that when i look into the mirror (both actual and that of my life experience) what i see reflected back at me is someone that does not inspire much of anything in any man. dr. s would also tell me that perhaps i should realize that my frame of analysis is not accurate. it's a shame that dr. s can't be my friend.