dealing with a jumble

as much as i wish it were otherwise, today finds my heart and mind in as much of a jumble of emotion as it was yesterday and as it has been for much of the prior week. i want to move past the pain resulting from this disappointment about not being able to meet up with sean in a couple of weeks and i continue to struggle to do so. today, during my walk, i think i came a bit closer to understanding why.

during the walk, i had this feeling of needing to ask sean what he would think and feel if the situation were reversed. what if he shared with me that he was coming to my city and i told him that i would not be able to see him during the time he was here? how would that make him feel i wondered. and with that i realized that the pain wasn't so much about not being able to see him. that might sting but what was bringing the hurt was the uncertainty about he actually felt about the situation. i knew he couldn't meet up with me and i knew the reason why. what still remained unshared was how he felt.

i realized some of the struggle i'm experiencing could have been helped by having him share the news that he would not be able to meet with me with an additional statement to the effect, "i know you're likely disappointed by that and i want you to know that i'm really disappointed as well." i can see that maybe sharing such things doesn't occur to him or maybe from his side of things he just assumes that a mutual state of disappointment should be assumed. and at a different time in my life i might have been able to assuredly and confidently run with that assumption. instead, i ponder the possibility that maybe he couldn't have shared that because that's not he feels. and the unknowing makes my heart sink a bit more.

some months ago i asked sean what our friendship meant to him. i shared with him my answer to the same question and after a few torturous days of waiting he provided his answer. they were not the same, and i expressed at that time a certain amount of concern about whether they were compatible. sean said he thought they could be and we would just need to work at it to make them so. and yet over the past several weeks it has felt as if life has conspired against us to be able to truly do the work of developing our friendship and aligning our expectations.

i keep asking god if a break is coming my way anytime soon. he seems to continue to be occupied with other callers at the moment.