I'm not sure how I do it. I find myself in the middle of a difficult conversation that not only do I have no idea how it started but was one that I had no intention of having in the first place. Cue last night's phone conversation with Nigel at approximately 10:30 EST. [Please note that this is the ultra-abridged version because I literally don't know how it really unfolded and still only have a vague recollection of most of what was said]:
Me: So how was your day?
Nigel: Kind of crazy. The house is a mess because Percy and I moved stuff out of the guest room to get ready for my mother to move in this weekend. I'm also worried about the department meeting next week when we vote on Joseph's tenure because it's not going to pass. He's been such a good friend to us and I know he is going to be so disappointed and his wife will hate me forever. Plus, I'm really lonely here. I miss you and still don't think I'll ever get used to our being separated. We're not ever going to live together are we?
Me: Umm, er, umm . . .well . . . ummmmmm . . . . no, I don't think we will.
Nigel: What did you say?
Me: Umm, er, ummmm, well, you know, ummm, I think you've noticed that I've been kind of distracted over the last couple of weeks when we've talked, and it's because I've been thinking alot about how we are in different places about the separation. You're having a really difficult time with it . . .
Nigel: and it doesn't seem to be affecting you at all.
Me: Well, umm, no it isn't. Actually, I kind of think I prefer it.
Nigel: So, what are you saying?
Me: I'm not sure what I'm saying. My mind won't seem to let me get further than saying that I don't think we will ever live together again.
Nigel: So what are you saying? Because I'm really lonely and I'm trying to be good, but I can't promise I won't break down and seek out companionship somewhere.
Me: Umm, yes, I understand.
Nigel: So what are you saying?! Do you want me to start seeing other people?!
[Narrator's Note: Now see, if this were a movie, it's at this point the ominous music would be swelling because my character would be about to say something really stupid because he thinks he's hearing one thing, when even the fleas on the seeing eye dog of the blind movie goer knows that something completely different is being asked by Nigel's character. So rewind a bit and continue]
Nigel: So what are you saying?! Do you want me to start seeing other people?!
Me: Umm, well, yeah, if that's what will make you happy.
Nigel: WHHHHAAAAATTTTT????!!!!!!!!!
[2nd Narrator's Note: Another way of explaining the monumental error just made by me who had not intended to bring up this subject at all and is your basic Southern-influenced conflict avoider . . . at this point, if Helen Keller were in the audience, she'd be thinking about me, "you dumbshit." Back to the drama]
Nigel: I can't believe you're saying this. I thought I would be the first person if anyone to ever say anything like that, but not you. I knew this would happen! I knew you would see that you didn't need me anymore. I can't believe you're doing this now! With everything that's happening this is the absolute worst time. . . Bernie [the friend that introduced us -- actually I'm pretty sure I've used a different pseudonym for him before but in this moment of distress I have no idea what it is], Bernie said you would never break up with me [this was back when he first set us up. What poor Nigel doesn't know is that for the last five months Bernie has been basically telling me to "run don't walk" out of this relationship, but that's just between me and you three other people who read this blog]. How could you do this to me?!!! Don't you love me anymore?!!! I love you!! I was doing ok with the separation. I can't believe you would do this. [Cue about a minute of hysterical crying. Not just crying, mind you, but gut wrenching, from deep in the diaphragm, ready to end in convulsive vomiting, sobbing.]
[3rd Narrator's Note: Please note that the above stream of dialogue did not all happen in one fell swoop. Lucky for me it was stretched out for the next 45 minutes or so, all the better to savor the fact that I was plunging a dull, rusty butter knife in and through the heart of the man that I professed to love for the last seven years. The reason I have not mentioned anything that I said during this period is that it was pretty much a bunch of nonsensical "I'm sorries" and "I didn't want to hurt you. I just thought I should be honest"s.]
And after about another 15 minutes of the same, I said that I needed to get off the phone, since I wasn't making much sense anyway, and that I would call him the next day to which Nigel responded "yeah, whatever."
I've since gotten a phone message and (now that I just checked) an e-mail message. I'll copy the e-mail here since it says the same thing as the voice mail.
Dear Clarus,
I must say that blocking my phone calls is a rather brutal way of handling the situation. What a lame answer to the question at hand this truly is!!!!
[My Note: I have not blocked Nigel's calls. I have no idea how to do that even if I wanted to. I think in his distress, he may have just dialed the wrong number. I've told him as much in my voice mail back and will do so as well in my e-mail back, which will be brief. Back to Nigel's comments]
I have never been so shocked as this evening. You were the one person in the world that I trusted, and to hear you express certain perspectives was more than unsettling.
I am rocked to the core. I cannot believe that you would want to put an end to
our relationship. You may hold in me in contempt, but believe me you were the one
and only that I truly loved. As I have tried to communicate to you, the you should
never turn your back on love. It happens so infrequently that it is certainly a
rare commodity, and cannot be reproduced wily-nilly.
I am bewildered, shocked, sad, and angry.
My mother moves here on Sunday; how can I maintain a composure that makes her seem
at home. I can never tell her.
[Another Note From Me: I hate to tell him that "good timing" has never been my strong suit. I "came out" to my Mom at Thanksgiving which happened about a week following her sister's (my aunt's) funeral following my aunt's two year battle with lung cancer. Considering it took me thirty-four years to finally admit that I was gay to her and to myself, I think, comparably speaking, Nigel got a pretty quick and not too poorly timed response myself. Now see, gallows humor is what I excel at. On to Nigel's finally point.]
Why would you do this to me--to us??????????
Nigel
Not much else to write except that as painful as it all was and will be moving forward, I would not change what happened (well, maybe the hysterical crying could have gone for like 30 seconds less). Actually, what I mean is that I'm glad it's all now out in the open. I'm sorry it is causing Nigel such pain because even though I don't think our relationship has been particularly healthy for either of us, I do love him, and want him to be happy.
Still, even with all this perspective, I think I may be leaving work a little earlier today than I normally would and sit with Winston for a bit in the silence.
Me: So how was your day?
Nigel: Kind of crazy. The house is a mess because Percy and I moved stuff out of the guest room to get ready for my mother to move in this weekend. I'm also worried about the department meeting next week when we vote on Joseph's tenure because it's not going to pass. He's been such a good friend to us and I know he is going to be so disappointed and his wife will hate me forever. Plus, I'm really lonely here. I miss you and still don't think I'll ever get used to our being separated. We're not ever going to live together are we?
Me: Umm, er, umm . . .well . . . ummmmmm . . . . no, I don't think we will.
Nigel: What did you say?
Me: Umm, er, ummmm, well, you know, ummm, I think you've noticed that I've been kind of distracted over the last couple of weeks when we've talked, and it's because I've been thinking alot about how we are in different places about the separation. You're having a really difficult time with it . . .
Nigel: and it doesn't seem to be affecting you at all.
Me: Well, umm, no it isn't. Actually, I kind of think I prefer it.
Nigel: So, what are you saying?
Me: I'm not sure what I'm saying. My mind won't seem to let me get further than saying that I don't think we will ever live together again.
Nigel: So what are you saying? Because I'm really lonely and I'm trying to be good, but I can't promise I won't break down and seek out companionship somewhere.
Me: Umm, yes, I understand.
Nigel: So what are you saying?! Do you want me to start seeing other people?!
[Narrator's Note: Now see, if this were a movie, it's at this point the ominous music would be swelling because my character would be about to say something really stupid because he thinks he's hearing one thing, when even the fleas on the seeing eye dog of the blind movie goer knows that something completely different is being asked by Nigel's character. So rewind a bit and continue]
Nigel: So what are you saying?! Do you want me to start seeing other people?!
Me: Umm, well, yeah, if that's what will make you happy.
Nigel: WHHHHAAAAATTTTT????!!!!!!!!!
[2nd Narrator's Note: Another way of explaining the monumental error just made by me who had not intended to bring up this subject at all and is your basic Southern-influenced conflict avoider . . . at this point, if Helen Keller were in the audience, she'd be thinking about me, "you dumbshit." Back to the drama]
Nigel: I can't believe you're saying this. I thought I would be the first person if anyone to ever say anything like that, but not you. I knew this would happen! I knew you would see that you didn't need me anymore. I can't believe you're doing this now! With everything that's happening this is the absolute worst time. . . Bernie [the friend that introduced us -- actually I'm pretty sure I've used a different pseudonym for him before but in this moment of distress I have no idea what it is], Bernie said you would never break up with me [this was back when he first set us up. What poor Nigel doesn't know is that for the last five months Bernie has been basically telling me to "run don't walk" out of this relationship, but that's just between me and you three other people who read this blog]. How could you do this to me?!!! Don't you love me anymore?!!! I love you!! I was doing ok with the separation. I can't believe you would do this. [Cue about a minute of hysterical crying. Not just crying, mind you, but gut wrenching, from deep in the diaphragm, ready to end in convulsive vomiting, sobbing.]
[3rd Narrator's Note: Please note that the above stream of dialogue did not all happen in one fell swoop. Lucky for me it was stretched out for the next 45 minutes or so, all the better to savor the fact that I was plunging a dull, rusty butter knife in and through the heart of the man that I professed to love for the last seven years. The reason I have not mentioned anything that I said during this period is that it was pretty much a bunch of nonsensical "I'm sorries" and "I didn't want to hurt you. I just thought I should be honest"s.]
And after about another 15 minutes of the same, I said that I needed to get off the phone, since I wasn't making much sense anyway, and that I would call him the next day to which Nigel responded "yeah, whatever."
I've since gotten a phone message and (now that I just checked) an e-mail message. I'll copy the e-mail here since it says the same thing as the voice mail.
Dear Clarus,
I must say that blocking my phone calls is a rather brutal way of handling the situation. What a lame answer to the question at hand this truly is!!!!
[My Note: I have not blocked Nigel's calls. I have no idea how to do that even if I wanted to. I think in his distress, he may have just dialed the wrong number. I've told him as much in my voice mail back and will do so as well in my e-mail back, which will be brief. Back to Nigel's comments]
I have never been so shocked as this evening. You were the one person in the world that I trusted, and to hear you express certain perspectives was more than unsettling.
I am rocked to the core. I cannot believe that you would want to put an end to
our relationship. You may hold in me in contempt, but believe me you were the one
and only that I truly loved. As I have tried to communicate to you, the you should
never turn your back on love. It happens so infrequently that it is certainly a
rare commodity, and cannot be reproduced wily-nilly.
I am bewildered, shocked, sad, and angry.
My mother moves here on Sunday; how can I maintain a composure that makes her seem
at home. I can never tell her.
[Another Note From Me: I hate to tell him that "good timing" has never been my strong suit. I "came out" to my Mom at Thanksgiving which happened about a week following her sister's (my aunt's) funeral following my aunt's two year battle with lung cancer. Considering it took me thirty-four years to finally admit that I was gay to her and to myself, I think, comparably speaking, Nigel got a pretty quick and not too poorly timed response myself. Now see, gallows humor is what I excel at. On to Nigel's finally point.]
Why would you do this to me--to us??????????
Nigel
Not much else to write except that as painful as it all was and will be moving forward, I would not change what happened (well, maybe the hysterical crying could have gone for like 30 seconds less). Actually, what I mean is that I'm glad it's all now out in the open. I'm sorry it is causing Nigel such pain because even though I don't think our relationship has been particularly healthy for either of us, I do love him, and want him to be happy.
Still, even with all this perspective, I think I may be leaving work a little earlier today than I normally would and sit with Winston for a bit in the silence.
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