naked

after another night of chemically induced sleep, i woke up feeling a little odd. now seeing as feeling odd is not an unusual occurrence for me, the goal became attempting to figure out why i felt this sort of odd this particular morning. i did my usual morning routine of lite exercise, shower, brushing teeth, shaving, getting dressed and through it all nothing emerged as an explanation. had i had a strange dream that i couldn't remember? was i feeling anxious about the impending trip out west? was maybe even 1 1/2 pills of ambien still too much? nothing seemed to register.

so into my car and off to work i  went. as i settled into my familiar route, my mind began to wander and think about events of the past evening and then "bam!" there it was. you see, during the course of an online conversation, i was first asked a question that in retrospect, though obliquely, i may have answered too honestly. Close on the heels of that conversation, i found myself confronted with another question about the reasons behind a recent embarrassing event (see entry "feeling foolish" below) that i tried to push off,  but in my attempts to do so, i only drew further attention to it. so i did the only logical thing someone would do in that situation. i ran. it was off to my nightstand pharmacy for that extra half pill and a drifting off to the oblivion that is sleep.

but as is obvious, sleep was only a temporary respite. so what exactly is the problem (if that's even the right way to describe this feeling)? i think that it has to do with the fact that, surprising as it is, even in relative anonymity i managed to find myself in the position of feeling naked and vulnerable (and for those who know the venue, well there's an irony for you in and of itself in that statement). it's not that i mind being vulnerable as a general rule, it's just that there is also a time and place for everything -- namely a moment and space when you know that you are safe.

i think that's a significant part of the general unease in my soul at present even beyond today. all of the entries here of late with longings for home, family, a lover are really about wanting a refuge while i'm awake. as recounted before, my family home is not a place where i am accepted for who i am. my home with my ex was really more of a minefield  than a refuge with random, often unexpected, moments of emotional attacks fueled by alcoholic binges. after three years i likely will be displaced from a location that is only just becoming familiar to somewhere that will be completely foreign to me. it feels like a lot to deal with sometimes. and safe is probably the last thing i do feel in what seems like an increasingly hostile world.

so, yes, feeling a bit odd this morning. is it too early for that next ambien?