feeling foolish

i'm finding that, at least for me, painful memories are like soldiers engaging in guerrilla warfare. they sneak up on you when you least expect it, and they don't always fight fair. today's melee involved standing in my kitchen preparing to reheat a couple of slices of leftover pizza when, for no apparent reason at all, my mind started drifting to some unpleasant memories of my time with my ex. thoughts of various painful incidents started rapid firing through my brain, one after the other after the other. 

the cumulative effect of this barrage was at first a puzzlement then a full blown feeling of shame. "how could i have been so wrong about something that i thought was going to be so right?" on top of that i wondered, "how could i have been so stupid to have broken up with him only to go back a second time?" i began to speculate on how others must have felt, watching me return to the scene of the devastation as it were, living out the very definition of insanity. this resulted in even more questioning about my judgement and my ability to trust even myself (perhaps especially myself) about what (and particularly who) is right for me. as is evidenced in this blog, i have some recent examples of not making the best choices. as you can imagine, i didn't leave my kitchen with a good feeling.

moments like that have a way of continuing to burrow themselves more deeply into my brain, causing what feels like more profound damage to my psyche, even as i remain blissfully unaware of what is happening at the conscious level. later in the evening, i found myself again questioning my life and the choices i was making, the trusts i thought i was establishing. was i again just making foolish mistake, after foolish mistake, believing one thing but in reality living another? it all became very overwhelming. i shut down, took a shower, then an ambien and attempted to go to sleep. 

but as is evidenced by the time of this entry, sleep will not provide me asylum tonight, and i am left to deal with further mental assaults. i am not sure how much more this weary mind can take.