changes

i'm not sure if it's just me or if this is an experience of everyone at middle age, but as i've gotten older it seems that changes in my life seem fewer and farther between. i'm not referring to what i would call "external" changes, i.e., changes in jobs, homes, cars, or even relationships or physical appearance. the change i'm thinking of is really interior change -- changes in perspectives, attitudes, beliefs. changes within this domain have been much rarer of late and when they occur, it's almost as if i stumble upon them rather than being consciously aware that they have taken place.

take yesterday evening for instance. i was driving to the grocery store and passed a church. outside there was a woman dressed in a costume standing in front of a sign advertising some event called "the pumpkin patch" with said pumpkins strewn around the church grounds. she was smiling and waving and inviting people to come and take part in what i assume is some rite of fall for this particular church community. it was a very norman rockwell, hometown america setting.

normally, such scenes evoke a deep sense of warm nostalgia within me. this time i felt, well, i pretty much didn't feel anything. true, i had just finished writing yesterday's blog entry about 20 minutes before in which i reflected on my continuing depression. still, scenes like this usually result in my waxing rhapsodic on childhood memories or even fun times as an adult no matter how depressed i am. this time -- nothin. it was like my mind went to the space in my heart for that warm feeling and found it empty.

this started me thinking about how there has been a fairly recent shifting in my attitude about most holidays. there was a time when i lived for this season of halloween, thanksgiving, and christmas. in fact, during my time in st. louis, i was in full martha stewart mode -- decorating, cooking the holiday meals, baking, and gift buying consumed my calendar of activities. today the whole idea of it just makes me tired, and i wonder where did i get all of that energy and enthusiasm.

as with some changes, i'm not really happy about this particular one. true, i don't have the kind of time that i once did for holiday merrymaking, but i don't like that i don't have an interest in doing those things any more -- even if time were in abundance. there's an emotional burnout that exists that i find troubling.

i know that part of it has to do with the fact that such activities were largely solitary pursuits. once i reached my teenage years, my mother was not particularly enthused about such activities. as an adult, michael has shown little interest as well.

i think the final stake in my holiday heart has come as a result of last christmas. don't get me wrong, it was a pleasant enough affair. i didn't go as all out as i had at my peak but i did decorate the tree, prepared a nice meal (thank you whole foods), and had fun picking out gifts for michael and our dog.

flash forward to last weekend when i was visiting in st. louis. as i was about to leave for the airport, i looked in a corner of the downstairs hallway and there was the tree, sitting at the bottom of a pile with the tree skirt and some ornaments still clinging to it (you see, michael got tired of waiting for me to take the tree down). that's when i thought, "why bother?" why go to all that effort when no one seems to find it as special as i do and it all just ends up in a dirty heap in the corner?

i'm beginning to feel that way about a few things in my life right now. remember that empty space in my heart i referred to earlier? it's full now. in fact, the overflow is slowly trickling its way through the corners of my eyes.

changes. i think i'm in need of some more.