there are times when keeping a blog as journal can be dangerous. how so? well, there are times when writing in this blog is not so much my commenting on something i've learned as it is some epiphany being revealed to me as i am writing. sometimes that experience can bring peace with the revelation. often it can send me into an emotional tailspin. today was one of those instances when often trumped sometimes.
i call this experience the mirror effect. however, it's not like a picture mirror. it's more like looking in the rear view or side view mirrors of a car. i'm not examining myself as much as i'm seeing the terrain that is around me. in doing so, i become aware of things that i've missed staring out the windshield in the pell mell rush that seems to characterize my life of late. and as the warning that is written on these mirrors often cautions, the emotional impact of what i see is far closer than i had realized, overtaking me before i've even had a chance to consciously process what exactly i've seen.
today was a rough day. there was a feeling of a profound loneliness and a silence that was almost suffocating. i managed to move through it, accomplishing things that i didn't think i had the energy or the drive to do. in fact, the whole time i was moving from task to task i kept thinking i'd rather be in bed sleeping. yet, both times i tried to do just that, i found myself up and about within 15 minutes of laying my head on the pillow.
i guess it's true that there is no rest for the weary. whether that be of body, mind, spirit or all of the above.
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marin mazzie - back to before (ragtime) July 4, 1998
ii was reminded of this performance tonight and wanted to share it here as a tribute to a phenomenal talent who left us way too soon.
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