polarity management

this is a term that i have only recently become acquainted with that, from my basic understanding, describes the situation of having to deal with the tension resulting from diametrically opposed conditions brought about by the same event or circumstance. a quick google search shows that there is a whole body of research that accompanies this concept, and i probably should delve into it more as i certainly find myself in that space on many fronts. the one front that is the focus of my attention this morning has been brought about by my ending my relationship with michael.

yesterday, i was brought into keen awareness of the diametrically opposed conditions of "relief" and "pain" brought about by the break-up. upon waking, i realized that i needed to do some grocery shopping as the cupboards were close to being bare and i wanted to buy provisions for what i term my "bachelor's thanksgiving feast" (actually, if i were doing this true bachelor style, i would just go out to eat). as i was going through the aisles, dropping item after item into my grocery cart, i suddenly had the thought of how nice it was that i was not going to have to travel to st. louis for the holiday. this first thought led to a cascade of other thoughts that could all be summarized as a realization of how good it felt that i no longer had to deal with the various dysfunctions of the relationship. it actually did feel like i had become released from a heavy anchor and was able to float free and unencumbered toward a better life. that was the morning.

early evening i came across another circumstance that resulted in a cascade of thought. this situation involved watching as various people indicated their interest in getting to know my new friend better (in the various ways that "better" can mean). it was truly a front row seat on want and desire. now i've been in this venue and situation with this same friend before, but this time, for whatever reason, the following realization came to me, "i have no one in my life who feels this way about me and the one person who at least at one time did, i have now pushed out of my life. i am utterly alone." i had to take a walk and during that time, listening to the soundtrack from this blog blaring through my ipod earphones, it actually did feel like i had become released from a trusted anchor and was floating completely isolated toward a frightening future bereft of love and intimacy. cue another emotional sinkhole.

and here i sit at the bottom, beginning what i described in a text to the same friend as a "blessedly short work week" broken-hearted and dreading the upcoming holiday season (cause there's nothing like thanksgiving/christmas/new year's to make someone who already feels alone to see that they are totally, completely, truly alone). during that same walk, i remember asking god why wanting to be happy and loved seemed like such a tall order. i didn't get much of a response. then later i asked myself, "why do i keep fucking up my holidays? no scratch that. why do i keep fucking up my life?" no answer there either. just silence.