i've shared previously that i like to think of myself as a basically good person. it is certainly a label that i have often worked hard to maintain even if it meant sacrificing what i really wanted to say or do for the sake of meeting the expectations of others. and though i have been striving to walk to the beat of my own drummer, i have to admit the thought of anyone thinking poorly of me still makes my heart race and produces a sick feeling in my stomach.
still, there are circumstances where not being looked upon favorably can not be avoided. such is the case of the break-up. i'm not sure why, but this morning i became acutely aware of the fact that even as i make my way through this day there are people who think i am a royal class, "a" grade, number one, total, without a shadow of a doubt jerk. now there may be those who think that of me just based on my daily interactions with me (some of you readers may even be in that camp), but the ones i thought of this morning were the "fom's" (friends of michael).
in most break-up scenarios, to the outside observer, there are two roles -- the victim and the villain. naturally, the perspective one takes on which role belongs to which person depends on your relationship to the couple. more often than not, you are a closer friend to one member more than the other. as a result your friend will get your sympathy, the other your revulsion. this is particularly true when the victim is likely to do everything in his or her power to make sure that you feel absolutely correct in your determination of who is to blame for said break-up.
the advantage of having known someone for 12 years and having been through this same situation two times before (with the same person ... sigh) is that i can pretty much plot out what is happening right now. there's probably a posting on facebook about my ending the relationship followed by a scad of sympathy replies. there are many play by plays being shared in various settings with one or more participants -- all with comments like, "no, it caught me completely by surprise," "i thought things were going so well," "i can't believe he did this to me a third time," and "he really needs to seek counseling" interspersed throughout. i can see the snidely whiplash mustache being drawn across the mental image of my face by many an "fom" even as i type this entry.
what's even harder than the judgements is when you're hard pressed to find a reason that you don't deserve them. i actually feel terrible that this has happened for a third time and i'm not sure i will ever get past the guilt of that fact.
i guess the natural question to be asked is wouldn't the same dynamic be happening in reverse with my friends. truth be told i don't think so. the main reason is i think all my friends think i was stupid to go back to him for a third time (they would use nicer terms i'm sure -- well, most of them would). and again i find myself unable to disagree with such a judgement.
it's an overcast day outside. that's appropriate. it's pretty dark in my heart right now as well.
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