this is going to be harder than i thought

this was the thought that came to me last night as i wrestled with thoughts of loneliness and isolation last night. even though yesterday started off with my being in a fairly good mood, by the end of the day, i was back in the familiar territory of melancholia. while i can't say i'm entirely surprised that this was the case, given my current state of affairs, recognizing that what i'm going through is likely normal following a break-up has been little consolation.

one would think that, given this is my third time going through this (groan), it would be at least a bit easier. one would think that and clearly one would be wrong. it's just as difficult this time as it has been in the past.  the feelings of loss and failure, the guilt about hurting michael yet again, the concern that i will be alone for the rest of my life, well, they are all present and accounted for. add to that the additional complication of feeling further estranged from my less than supportive mother (her response "i had hoped" to my query of "you didn't expect to me to be alone for the rest of my life did you?" keeps replaying in my mind) and it is indeed making for a challenging time.

i keep telling myself that i just need to make it through the holidays, and it will get easier. unfortunately, at this point at least, i'm not being very convincing