the following is from the close of an online chat with s.r. tonight. it was a chat in which we started talking about the hurt i'm currently experiencing. unfortunately, he was tired and not too long into it said he was going to bed. he thought he'd continue the talk via text but i suspect sleep overtook him sooner than he thought and we never continued the discussion. my mind was racing and i just had to get these thoughts out so i decided to keep typing. i have no idea what the consequence or result may be of doing so. i do know that my pain is deep and wide and i have no idea how i am going to get through this. anyway, here's what i wrote:
still there?
so i'm going to just keep typing here cause my mind is full and i'm guessing you'll see this next time you log on
i know that the fundamental problem is deep down inside i struggle with trusting
what you don't know but i guess you will now is that every morning when i text you
it's a struggle with fear and doubt
every day the same tape plays
"why are you doing this? he doesn't really care about hearing from you? you're nothing to him?"
every day
and the same tape plays with my hopes for love
"who's going to really love you? and when you found someone, it was the wrong someone. and even though it was wrong and you broke it off you kept going back. what makes you think that even if you should find someone who says he loves you that you won't make the same flawed choice as before?"
i want to trust and i want to believe but things don't seem to work out
and as much as i like you and want to believe that we have a real friendship
in all honesty i'm just waiting for the shoe to drop and all the things i've feared to be true
and certainly being this doubt-filled person only convinces me more that i will keep losing relationships that are important to me because who really wants to be with someone like that
these same thoughts and so many more of them are what every night of my life has been like for the past couple of months
and i think back to the many other times over the course of my life these same thoughts have filled so many hours
it just gets to be too much
i don't understand why having a simple desire like wanting to be loved by the right person is so difficult to have happen in my life.
so enough jabbering from me in this one-sided conversation. you've likely fallen asleep and i should likely try to do the same.
even though i know it likely will be yet another night of broken sleep patterns in which i awake far too soon to the same fear and doubt filled thoughts
as i said earlier tonight i'm really scared
ok enough. to bed. may your night and day be good ones.
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