another topic of discussion in my chat last night with s.r. was how my days seem to have a "schizoid" quality to them. the days are full and busy and i generally feel like a emotionally balanced, well adjusted person. then the night comes around and my mood takes a continuous, at times precipitous, decline until i'm truly questioning my own sanity. and then the next day the roller coaster ride starts all over again.
it's pretty clear that because my days are filled (often to overflowing) with meetings, emails, and phone conversations, my attention is focused on getting all that needs to be done accomplished and there's little mental space for reflecting on my desire for love and companionship. at night with little to occupy me other than what to microwave for dinner, read or watch on tv, my mind is completely free to think and obsess about this feeling of emptiness and longing for intimate relationship that i have.
as i expressed to s.r., it is that type of relationship, that connection that provides my life with a deep meaning. and as he correctly discerned it's likely my fear of not having that fulfillment that kept me in (and kept me going back to) my relationship with michael even when i knew that it really wasn't the type of supportive, life-giving, life affirming relationship that either of us needed or wanted.
and what continues to be so distressing to me is that i don't know how to get beyond this period of the split personality day. i don't know how to bring about what i most desire. what's worse, as was evident in my entry last night (a cry in the night indeed), is that i doubt my own ability to do so even if i knew what to do. my track record does not exactly speak well of my inherent capabilities and instincts in finding the right person for me.
i really need some help.
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