cloudy and overcast

today's title describes both how the day has started weather wise and the state of my mood. it's probably apparent from yesterday's entry that the weekend ended on a difficult note. the day was hard, the evening even worse. i was already struggling, but toward the end of the evening, i had an online dialogue that created a rupture in my heart, resurrecting long-held doubts about myself. i'm slowly recovering but i'm finding a dull ache still prevails.

i shared a thought last night that i'm going to repeat here. in a moment of reflection on the perversity that sometimes occurs in life, i was recalling the concern that my mother shared with me about the results of my "lifestyle choice." "don't you believe in hell?" she asked with incredulity. my belief notwithstanding, it is definitely a sobering realization that your own mother believes that based on who you love, a place of eternal damnation may be your final destination. the thought that came to me and i shared last evening was that the saddest part is her not realizing how it feels like so much of my life has been such a challenge already that predicting such an end seems like truly cruel and unusual punishment.

last night also further clarified for me the perplexing question of "why in the world did i go back to michael following the previous times we broke up?" i've reflected on the reasons here before, but last night i came into keen awareness of the reality that having something, even if it is deeply, intrinsically flawed, at least for a time, seems like the better option when facing the possibility of having nothing at all.

at the risk of mixing metaphors, as each day passes, the more i feel i am journeying into a deep, dark forest from which there is no discernible way out. i keep trying to move forward but a heavy heart is a particularly difficult burden to carry on such a trek. and, whenever i look up to get some bearing, there again are those looming dark clouds, letting in no sun by day or stars at night to guide me from this place and toward the destination i continue to long for -- a home with someone i love.