i've grown to hate the night

i shared that thought in an online conversation with s.r. last night. it was probably about mid-way in our discussion of my depressed state. the comment was my sharing the fact that the same thoughts of loneliness, desire for love and fears for my future seem to come on me strongest at night. i guess this phenomenon occurs because my mind is no longer focused on the tasks of the day and is free to wander.

this is not to say that my mornings have been all that easy either. building up the motivation to get out of bed when i don't really have to (i've been on vacation since Dec. 25th) has been quite a challenge. yet somehow i've gotten over that hurdle to at least perform a few tasks around the house (and i'm happy to report my "project" is pretty much complete. now i have another one in the garage to tackle but that will have to be something that's done a bit at a time over the next few months. part of my motivation for these projects is that i will be moving out of my current abode in april to a new domicile, and i want to be organized for the move by getting rid of whatever i don't absolutely need).

so, if you were drawing a mood chart for my day, i suppose it would look like an upside down "u". except the peak of the "hill" would not be that much higher than the start or end points.

and i can't help but wonder if heading back into the work environment will be of help or just make an already difficult situation that much more so. you see i'm going to head back to a new job of sorts with a much greater scope of responsibility and accountability. it is an opportunity that i am both excited about and a little unnerved by. if i were fully myself, i would be far more of the former and much less of the latter. but i don't feel fully myself and there is this great uncertainty as to when or if i ever will again.

i keep maintaining that it amazes me that the human heart can feel such pain and continue to function. yet it does, waiting and hoping for a better day.