the veil

over the course of the weekend, i had many a dark moment where i found myself asking, "what is the purpose of life?" as much as i tried, i struggled with feeling motivated about anything. my work, the life i led with michael, my relationship with my mother and extended family, friendships new and old all seemed to be a pointless amalgamation of activities and experiences i make the march toward the final destination of death. i'm sure the combination of illness, coping medication and being pretty much bed ridden contributed greatly to my mood, but at the same time, it seemed to be the continuation of a perspective that has been forming over the last several weeks and months.

last night (or perhaps more appropriately very early this morning) i was again struggling with these thoughts and had the image of my contemplative experience being as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, revealing the hopelessness and emptiness that really underlie this thing we call life. it was a feeling that the reality is that we are all just running around filling our lives with stuff to do until we die. there's nothing really significant or lasting. life is just meaningless filler until the end.

then later today i had a different thought but with the same veil imagery. i had just finished doing a quick bit of grocery shopping and was driving away and the thought came to me, "what if it isn't that a veil has been removed from my eyes, but rather, as a result of the sadness and depression that has come into my life from the break-up and related thoughts about my desire for and lack of intimate relationship, a veil has been placed over those same figurative eyes that is shading and hiding all that is good and true and even wonderful about the life experience?"

and at this moment i'm not sure which is true. i just know that i'm struggling and every day seems to be more challenging than the last.