another saturday night

those of you familiar with the chorus of the sam cooke song that shares the title of this entry should have an immediate sense of the content and tone of what you are about to read (those who are not familiar, well first, shame on you and second, i'll provide a link at the end so you can make up for your woeful gap in your music education). it is indeed another saturday night. i've just pulled a healthy choice dinner out of the microwave and am sitting in the living room eating. listening to the smooth jazz channel courtesy of direct tv, and, obviously, trying to capture how i'm feeling at another moment in time in this blog.

when i look back on the day, i feel like it wasn't half bad. i ran some errands (dry cleaner, post office), got a haircut, did some fun shopping (barnes and noble, best buy, bed bath & beyond). i texted some with s.r. got in a short nap. read a bit.  no, the day wasn't half bad at all. the strange thing is as i enter the night, i'm not entirely sure that i feel the day was all that good either. looking back it feels like most of the stuff i did is what most folks would view as the stuff they have to do before they get to the more meaningful aspects of their day.

today and all the days that have transpired of late seem to be all filler no substance. activities that not only will i not remember them at the end of my life, it's unlikely that i'll remember them on the saturday a month hence. what's even sadder though is that it feels that that saturday and all of the days in between will likely be very much like this day.

what's strange about my mood is that very little about the things i do from day to day have changed, but the fact that the context within which i do them has changed is what seems to be making all the difference with respect to my degree of satisfaction about life. not too long ago i belonged to someone and someone belonged to me and the one simple fact that this is no longer the case and that i have no idea when or if it will ever be again is what keeps me anchored in deep melancholia.

i was observing a couple earlier today and thinking about how i once felt connected to other people in relationships. i realized i miss that feeling because now that i'm single again, it feels like i'm no longer part of the club. and tonight i'm realizing i miss quite a few things. i miss having someone to talk with. i miss being held. i miss someone knowing pretty much everything about me and loving me just the same.

i know that the things that weren't right in my relationship with michael outweighed and even tarnished the things that were good. funny how that truth provides little comfort on this yet another saturday night.

another saturday night - sam cooke