feeling defeated

i think i've shared before that when i sit down to write a blog entry, sometimes i have the title in mind and other times the title comes to me as i am writing the entry. more often than not, i find myself in the former situation as the title often speaks to the subject i know i'm going to write about. today a few titles went through my mind before i settled on this one -- "raising the white flag," "it's time to concede," "what's it all about, the epilogue." and then i just thought what is this entry really going to be about? and voila, title determined.

yesterday, i wrote about the painful struggle regarding my friendship with sean. and today i'm sad to admit the struggle is over and i've lost. after many more hours of thought following the writing of yesterday's blog, a brief late in the day text exchange in which i attempted to confirm that he is still alive (he is), and another quiet night with more time to think, i awoke this morning feeling that i no longer have the mental strength or the resolve to keep attempting to have a place in sean's life. i believe i've tried and the effort feels to some degree like i've revealed my heart and been found unworthy of serious engagement.

i understand being busy and working very hard (my life certainly has resembled that characterization over the past several months). i also believe that in life, we tend to find time for those things that are a priority to us. and that does then beg the question, "should i be a priority to sean?" and the answer that first comes to my weary soul is perhaps not. then again, i had hoped "priority" was a part of the definition of the type of friendship we were building. not top priority. not even top ten. but a place on that list would have been nice. he certainly has been on mine.

i find the need for a friend to be all the more acute at this time. today i'm going for my psychiatric assessment. part of the purpose will be to diagnose my mental condition and determine the appropriate medication for treatment. i suspect another part will be to determine if my primary care doctor's perspective that i may require inpatient psychiatric treatment is valid. the prospect of what may result from the psychiatrist visit scares me and the sense of feeling defeated grows even more palpable with the potential of my having a more serious mental illness that will require more intensive treatment than taking a pill every day. and i face all of this pretty much alone.

i fear telling my mother because of the judgements her religious worldview will compel her to share with me (and somehow i suspect all of them will come down to god abandoning me because of my sexual orientation). i have suffered in silence here at work as i feel that sharing what i am experiencing will derail not just what i have accomplished but also what i hope someday to achieve. i have no friends here and few in the extended world, and fairly or unfairly, i fear my experience with sean will make it unlikely that i will seek out additional ones in the foreseeable future primarily because that experience has me feeling like i'm just not what people are looking for when "friend" comes to mind. from that comment i'm guessing you can discern what my thoughts on finding love someday are.