lost in the land of my insecurities

last week i wrote of having this experience of falling through an emotional hole, a ride every bit as disorienting and unsettling as that experienced by the literary heroine alice. last night i realized what is on the other end of that hole and it certainly isn't wonderland.

sean and i had the opportunity to have a brief and good chat. through the course of it i recognized that while i truly believe we are friends, the time of separation had allowed me to think and react based on insecurities i have about myself with respect to my relationship with men. those thoughts without any countervailing opinions from sean soon became so prominent that i became lost in them.

i was reminded of those same insecurities during my psychiatric assessment yesterday as i was bringing the doctor up to speed on what i had been experiencing emotionally over the last several months. in that discussion he commented that while medication would provide some assistance, the significant work leading to changing this dysfunctional thinking would be accomplished in therapy. in the meantime though, he provided me with a new prescription and an additional encouragement to follow through on my vacation plans (time it looks like that won't have to be spent in a psychiatric facility -- much to my relief).

and so while the talk with sean was helpful, i can't say that i'm completely at ease. though the depression and insecurities play some part in that feeling, i also recognize that, when all is said and done, i'm still struggling with managing my disappointment that i don't get to connect with him as much as or in all the ways that i would like. i know that's part of life (well certainly my life) but i'm not sure that recognition makes any of it easier.

it all seems so very complicated and when you throw in the emotional impairments that have resulted from both nature and nurture as well as the fatigue wrought from way too many long hours of decision making and directing, all of the issues can (and most definitely do) feel pretty overwhelming.

yes, a vacation is most definitely in order. i just hope the time off helps to move me farther from the land of my insecurities rather than deeper into them.