what's it all about?

as i go through this struggle with mental illness, i am finding one of the most difficult and painful aspects to be processing my perceptions of my friend sean's engagement in our relationship. this is not to say that this is a problem with sean (at least i don't think it is). my guess is i would be experiencing this with any friend who would be exhibiting similar behavior. and what behavior is that you ask?

well, over the course of the past several weeks, i've felt an increasing distancing on sean's part from me. while i recognize that even under the best of circumstances i'm likely not the easiest person to be friends with (at least when it comes to my friendships with men) and certainly during this period of mental imbalance i have proven even more of a challenge, i kind of thought sean understood and accepted that as the price of admission for our friendship. but now i find myself dealing with trying to discern what it means that it has been weeks since we had a real substantive online chat (down from on average a couple a week), that when he has indicated plans to engage in such conversation, they've not materialized nor has there been an unsolicited explanation as to why; that texts wishing him a good day go without a reply (when at one time i could have counted on a response within the hour), and that blog entries that are shared with him are not acknowledged let alone commented upon (i'm not even sure he's still reading this thing).

i have asked him directly about what is going on and to the extent that he does reply, i receive brief messages that he is working a lot and is tired, both of which i certainly recognize and understand, but i'm also struggling to believe that's really all that's going on. when i have shared the sense that he is pulling away, he tells me that i am being silly and insists that he is not. the unstated implication of much of his statements is that this perception is all in my head without any bearing in reality. and therein lies the problem.

when the mind is a flawed instrument, as mine is at this time, attempting to process through these kind of situations is as painful an exercise as anyone could imagine. i losing the ability to tell what's real and what's imagined, what's founded in facts and what's just resulting from my own insecurities. and my ability to not think about this situation and not to internalize the perceived slights and rejections as being evidence that there is something wrong with me is pretty much nil at this point (plus isn't it pretty clear that when mental illness exists and is only getting worse than yes there is something intrinsically wrong with you for which people will reject you). and the more i ponder it all, the sicker i feel.

to that point, it was a very scary weekend. i found myself thinking that if this kind of pain continues, if my mind keeps breaking down in the way it has, i fear it will not be long before i am either institutionalized or dead. it seems cruel that the desire for a friend could be a contributing factor for something like that happening. maybe sean is right to get out of this relationship with me now. i certainly wish i could leave me behind as well.