the title of today's blog entry was a thought that came to me about mid-day yesterday. i was reflecting on my current emotional state that i had written about in yesterday's entry and comparing it to how i've felt for much of this year. through that contemplative moment i recognized that while i could not exactly say that i felt any renewed or greater sense of optimism for how my life would develop nor did i feel the great pessimism about any chance that my life could get better and become more of what i would want it to be.
this state of being in a "hope neutral zone" is frankly more than a bit strange. i can't really identify a time in my life in which i've ever felt like this, and that's saying quite a bit for a man just this side of 50. while i am appreciative of not having the dark thoughts and deep despair that have plagued me for much of this year, i have to admit it doesn't necessarily feel great that i also don't have a sense of any joy or even satisfaction with my life as it stands now nor any abiding belief in if or how it might change for the better.
i guess what's most disconcerting, as i sit in this kind of emotional way station, is the lack of certainty of where my mood will go from here. am i moving toward a constant improvement in my outlook on life and thereby gaining greater confidence in my ability to affect positive change in my life condition or am i just going to tumble back down into the same pit of doubt and despair from whence i've emerged? and what events may transpire in the days and weeks ahead that will determine in which direction i go? will god and the universe be with me and send opportunities for companionship and support my way or will i experience deeper rejection and reminders of how isolated and apart i have felt from all the rich relationships that i so need in my life?
if there is one thing that i am convinced of, it's that i am quite capable of generating a lot of questions about life. if only answering these seeming riddles were more of my forte.
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