it's lunch time, and i'm sitting here at my desk as i have for so many lunches before and will likely do with so many hence. i've just finished wolfing down my sandwich, chips and drink and have been checking up on some emails before diving back into the work of the day. i felt this would also be a good time to do a blog entry, primarily because i'm not sure if will be able to for the rest of the day.
i write that statement, not so much because there may not be time to do so later, but rather because i'm not sure the motivation and energy will be there later. as of this writing, i can tell that my mood, which is already subdued and solemn, is declining as the day progresses and i am not entirely certain as to the reason why.
it is possible it could be related to the fact that i have a therapy session later in the day and that i'm anticipating that it will be another challenging one. it could be, at least in part, related to the fact that i am tired from it being a pretty intense week at work (which will continue after this momentary pause for blog writing) and i have not gotten an extensive amount of sleep at night.
really, i have no idea for the exact cause, but i do know how i'm feeling. i am experiencing one of those moments when my life just feels acutely painful. where just the thought of where i am in my life just brings tears to my eyes and intense aching to the depths of my heart. and while i am, to a certain degree, physically tired, that state does not even begin to compare to the weariness of spirit that pervades my being. and in roughly ten minutes it will be time to go back to being the boss and leader that folks expect me to be.
i continue to wonder how much longer i'm going to be able to handle all of this, to keep moving when all i want to do is give up on life. in a recent conversation with sean, i stated that i needed him to be able to see me. lately, it doesn't feel as if i'm really seen or heard or understood by anyone at all. there's just me, alone, in pain, and without hope.
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