i have to say that i'm really ready for my mondays not to start off in this way. woke up, following a decent night's sleep, feeling somewhat better physically. sure, there was a bit of sinus drainage and my chest felt a bit scratchy, but my back felt much better and on the whole i was doing much better physically. as for how i was doing emotionally, well that was (and still is) a different story and goes back to the comment that led off this entry.
sadly, i'm starting off the week pretty much with the same challenged state of mind that i have begun too many weeks with this year. i'm discouraged, confused, and entirely lacking in confidence that things will get better.
as to the concept of "better," i had one of my "lost the plot of life" moments in the midst of an online conversation last night with a new friend named jay. typing away on my laptop slumped in my living room couch, i shared that it feels that when it comes to this improved state, i have no vision of it whatsoever or as gertrude stein so famously stated, "there is no there there." as the conversation continued, i tapped into this view of my interior self and saw that i was so bereft of hope that i truly questioned why i was living. it was another one of those times that i just asked, "really, what is the point of all this anyway? why am i even bothering to get up and go out into the world? can i really keep doing this?"
but moving out i have indeed, into another week full of busy activity, but that's my exterior self. my interior self continues to mire in a wood that is growing ever denser and darker and the path for escaping is nowhere to be found.
No comments:
Post a Comment