emotional amnesia

yesterday in my therapy session, i had what i would characterize as a fairly bizarre experience. for the entire session, the dialogue was me struggling to describe how i was feeling and what i was experiencing over the course of the week and dr. s attempting to help me draw connections to what i was trying to express.

the element that earned the descriptor "bizarre" was the fact that as dr. s would describe to me what he thought i was feeling and while i could hear and understand the words there was no resonance with them in my heart and mind. the way i described what i was experiencing to dr.s was that it was what i imagine people who are suffering from amnesia must deal with when speaking with someone that knows them who is describing some activity or past event from their shared experiences. the person may know conceptually what's being described but they have no memory or personal connection to the particular event. it's like they might be able to imagine what's being described but it would be like reading a book about someone else's experiences.

try as i did, i could not break through this dynamic. i knew it would be a tough session. i just didn't realize that what would make it so challenging was that i would be so disconnected from my own emotions. yesterday i wrote about feeling as if no one could see, hear or understand me. little did i know that i would find out later that "no one" applies even to me.