it's interesting. i've shared that i've had a recent experience that sent emotional shockwaves through my psyche, unearthing past and continuing hurts that exist across the entire terrain of my life. today, i returned to the venue in which that experience occurred (in fact i'm in there now), having agreed with the other party to put the past behind us and start over with a clean slate.
i am a big believer in the power of forgiveness and also recognize it is more of a process than a simple discrete event. this perspective being noted, i have to say that i was able to return with no bad feelings or ill will. and despite being well down the path of forgiveness, i can tell there has also been a change in my outlook and viewpoint. i do not feel a part of the group in the way that i had previously. i should also note before i continue any further that this new feeling is solely related to changes that have taken place in me. the people who take part are still the kind, welcoming people they've always been. i'm the one who is different.
there has been a definite shift in my heart. now while up to this point, i have been referring to my current state as a change it's really a reversion. i have always felt out of synch with most of the world around me (and if you have been a reader of this blog for any appreciable amount of time, that statement is most definitely not "news"). for a period of time, i had participated in this particular group with a sense of belonging. the experience and hurt resulting from what i ultimately characterize as a breach of trust has resulted in my heart shifting back to its steady state -- wary and isolated.
as a result, while i will continue to participate, i can't imagine that i will ever feel as if i belong there. it's really not all that strange actually. in fact, i'm quite used to it.
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