not enough to be real

got home late last night after a very full day and then dinner with a work colleague. ending up showering and climbing into bed almost immediately after arrival. i felt achy and tired. my eyes were burning and my sinuses were in constant drainage mode. after looking for my new friend online and realizing i'd likely missed him by about 15 minutes, i took my sleep meds and drifted quickly off to slumberland.

it amazes me that i can have a complete sleep and still feel so tired. that's the state i find myself in now. i just got out of what was a deadly boring meeting and i have another coming up this afternoon. truth be told, i'm not really here anymore as in fully present in my life. i'm basically going through the motions and continuing to do my best impersonation of a living person.

i walk, i talk, i smile, and i laugh (well not as much on the latter two). i make statements, give direction, provide counsel here at work but i feel completely disassociated from the activity of life. again, it's like i'm occupying the space but not fully embodied in it.

for some reason the thought of the story of the velveteen rabbit came to mind. for those unfamiliar with the story, the brief synopsis is it's the story of a stuffed rabbit who becomes a real rabbit due to the love of his owner. the thought i was having is that if love makes us "real" maybe my experience now is that there is not enough love tangible and present in my life to make me feel as if i am truly, fully, completely alive.

and so the day goes. and so my "life" continues.