the title of today's entry was a thought i had as i was getting some coffee in the kitchen at work this morning. it feels as if the full weight of all the struggle of this past year is crashing down on me.
i think i know why at least in part this is happening now. my heart has been opened up to deep feeling by two events -- the loss of one friend and the beginning connections to a new one. as a result, all of the hurts and disappointments that have happened over the course of this troublesome year have been brought to the surface.
i've never been very good at compartmentalizing. i tend to have to shut down all emotion if i am to get through dealing with the difficult ones. if i start to feel something, i feel it all. the saddest part is that even in the midst of what could be a good thing, the emotional pain only has me seeing all the things that could go wrong, all the ways i may just be making a fool of myself, and all the ways i may be hurt deeper still.
what this current time has shown me is that there has been no healing from all of the various events of 2014. i just took the pain and stuffed it behind a wall or buried it beneath the floorboards of my weary soul. now with new wounds and old scars ripped open, i just sit and watch as the darkness descends again.
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