lost weekends

i've had so many weekends lost to battles with depressed thoughts and insecurities. while this weekend has not been as bad as several i can think of in recent memory, it certainly would not rank as  one that i would not want to repeat.

this weekend i'm doing my best to adjust to the new dynamic in my friendship with sean. he's busy and i'm realizing the days of daily messaging and contact are behind us. and based on a recent exchange, i've felt that giving him his space makes sense. i will be honest. i'm not clear if he's annoyed and done with me and i'm concerned my pulling back will result in his moving even further away.

that may seem silly but it actually happened with my best friend from high school. the summer between our sophomore and junior years of college, it was clear that she was not particularly enjoying my company. my mother suggested i give her space and let her contact me when she was ready. i did and never heard from her again. and clearly though i've worked through some of it, it is still a situation that haunts me all these years later.

this weekend i'm doing my best to trust that this friendship is solid and that sean will re-engage as he is able. of course, there are the thoughts that he might not re-engage either at all or to any meaningful extent. and to those thoughts, i just acknowledge that there will likely be long fight to not internalize the loss of that friendship as further evidence of my damage, and it will have to be a fight i need to do my best to win. then again, i wonder exactly how much fight i have left in me.