yesterday, i wrote about my recent emotional experiences being akin to a pendulum swing between hope and despair. today i've been increasingly aware of a similar movement related metaphor and that is one of the doors of my heart vacillating between being tentatively open and firmly, fearfully closed. as with yesterday's observation, this is a condition in which i would most definitely prefer not to be, but in it i am.
my recent interactions with new people and momentary connections over interests and similar life experiences has certainly revealed to me anew my deep desire and longing for connection through relationships. at the same time, i am haunted by shadows both past and present of the pain that has resulted from opening my heart to someone new. even as i type this i am uncertain of the status of my most recently entered into friendship. there has not been much contact over the past several days and a hoped for talk on the phone tomorrow evening is in limbo with no confirmation of the proposed date or offering of a possible time yet made.
believing that all is well and that there are even better days ahead in this particular friendship and in my life in general is something with which it is apparently clear from a quick read over countless entries i am more than struggling. the dynamic of the recurring opening and closing of my heart exists in both the specific situation and how i am engaging in life in general.
people tell me that you have to risk getting hurt to experience the reward of relationship. but what happens when the hurt seems to be all you see and feel when you take that risk? how do you keep moving forward through all of that emotional pain? i just don't know.
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