coping alone

i mentioned earlier in the week that i had an upcoming doctor's appointment that was concerning me. that appointment was yesterday and i'm still trying to cope with the information that was shared. i'm going to share part of a note i sent to a friend in response to her request of me to tell her how the appointment went.

even with this note, which is really a one way communication, i had a strong desire to be able to process the news with someone live, in person -- someone who could listen, hold me, and reassure me that life would be ok. but i don't have that, and i'm not sure if i've ever felt more alone.

Hi,

My doctor's visit was today. It was a wellness physical, so I still have results coming back from my blood work that I will need to go back to hear about. I did fine with the stuff that they could check in the office.

As for my mental health, I was correct that my doctor would not be happy to hear that I've not made any real improvement since my visit a year ago. I shared with him the things my psychiatrist has been trying as well as other stuff that has been happening. The "good news," I guess is that he did not order inpatient treatment for me. In fact, I said that I was worried that he would do so and he asked if I thought I needed it. When I said, "I hope not," he replied, "I don't think you need that at this time."

I put "good news" in quotes because of what he did say he think I may need to try. He wants me to discuss with Dr. Sanders, my psychiatrist, if I would be a good candidate for undergoing ECT. When I looked at him in puzzlement in terms of what that was, he shared that it was "electroconvulsive therapy" more commonly called "electroshock therapy." I had a pretty strong emotional reaction to that which read all over my face. He asked if I had heard of it and I was like, "yeah, that's why my face reacted that way." He did his best to assure me that the treatment had progressed quite a bit since, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and that the reason he felt it may be necessary is that he's getting concerned that I may be non-responsive to treatment with medication (apparently four attempts and counting is not a good sign; also, and something that I did not know, there is a segment of the population that suffers from clinical depression on which medications do not work -- so not encouraging). He shared that his concerns also come from that fact that I'm in what appears to be good physical health, have been compliant with all my treatments, have no addiction problems, and am motivated to get well. Usually, people who show all of these things and don't get better from meds are likely candidates for the non-responsive to meds category. To cap it off, he said that he had recently heard a lecture on ECT where the psychiatrist presenting indicated that if he had symptoms that were exactly like mine, he would definitely have ECT treatment. 

He had his PA call my psychiatrist's office to check if this is something Dr. Sanders does prescribe and apparently there are several patients at his office who are under this kind of treatment (oh joy). We left it at my discussing this with Dr. Sanders, who Dr. Kaiser said was much more of an expert in this topic and would know best whether I was a suitable candidate. 

Despite the reassurances, I can't seem to escape the feeling that I'm making a slow progression to spending the rest of my days in a padded room wearing a straitjacket staring blankly and drooling. Naturally, as you can tell, I'm kind of worried about all of this. This is obviously not the first time Dr. Kaiser has not only said he's concerned but has truly looked the part. His big worry is that while he doesn't think I would take my life on even my worst normal day, he's concerned that any additional stressors might take me past my breaking point (I mentioned the issues at work and the little fender bender I had and he was like "yes, those kind of things or the loss of a job or new financial pressures." I guess it's a good idea that I asked Michael to hold on the divorce proceedings until at least the Fall). 

I just want to be better. Who knew the road to doing so would be so hard?