bittersweet victory

as the deserved celebrations continue this weekend following a significant milestone achievement in the journey of lgbt equality, i have to admit that for my part i am pretty heavy of heart and spirit. watching the joy and elation with which the announcement has been received in the past less than 24 hours has been a beautiful sight, and yet, i have no internal resonance with any of it. in fact the primary responses i have had have been feelings of sadness and isolation.

i know that part of that response is due to the fact that as the right to marriage has been extended to millions of gay americans, i will have to move forward with the dissolution of my own civil union later in the year, reminding of my own failure in finding lasting love. i think the other part of the pain, and i've been doing quite a bit of crying this weekend over both this and my struggle of being alone in my coping with the results of my doctor's visit, is that not only have i failed at love, i fear that i will never experience it again.

etched on all of those faces in news reports and photographs is this sense of possibility for those who have partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, significant others and the like already and for those who are single but are confident love is awaiting them. i no longer have this belief, and i am doubtful it can be restored.

i liken this experience to attempting to go out to dinner on valentine's day night alone. as you are turned away from restaurant after restaurant that are already filled to capacity with lovers of various sorts, you walk out and look back through the window and see couples enjoying their meals, one another, and that special feeling that only being in love offers. it is an experience to which you are unable to gain access to this night either physically or emotionally and a cold february wind blows through you chilling you to the bone, making you feel completely, utterly alone.

here's a favorite song from a favorite singer. it describes my feelings well (that is minus the hopefulness).

any love - luther vandross