maybe it will help

so i'm still kind of in limbo about the situation with my friend. uncertain if he will take the exit ramp out of this friendship or not. and i have to admit the uncertainty is not something i'm managing well.

i was describing the situation to another friend and he responded with the tried and true answer that i've heard from so many people, "you should stop worrying so much." i will have to admit i did not react well to his suggestion. 

the most difficult thing about dealing with this depression is that people think that i have a control of it rather than it very much having control of me. i don't choose to think about the things i do. i don't choose to worry and obsess about things. it just happens pretty much involuntarily and i have no sense of what will trigger it or to what degree or duration the depressive episode will occur. what i am dealing with is like any other mental illness be it epilepsy, schizophrenia, or alzheimer's. no one in any of those situations chooses to feel the way they do and neither do those of us who suffer from clinical depression. it's the unfortunate draw of the cards that our brains work this way. for some of these conditions medication will help, but as long-time readers of this blog know, my journey to find such a solution has been a long, painful and largely unsuccessful one. and my 

it can be lonely and frustrating to suffer in this way. i often have used the phrase "no one hears me" to describe the experience. i believe that people want to and that they try. then they say something like "you need to stop thinking about that" and we're back to square one.

i guess this is one reason that i resonate so much with james taylor. he went through a serious emotional breakdown and depressive episode when he was fairly young. he committed himself to a hospital for treatment (a place to which both his sister and brother would later do the same for similar reasons). he also would later have bouts with substance abuse that i imagine were his way of attempting to cope with (or escape) this struggle with depression. here's an interesting quote from wikipedia quoting james on his feelings about his depression:

As for his mental health struggles, Taylor would think of them as innate, and say: "It's an inseparable part of my personality that I have these feelings."

and so i listen to his music and feel a kindredness with this man. i can relate to the struggle he has endured and he believe if he knew me that he could relate to mine. and so here is my last song for this james taylor weekend, but certainly not the last time his music will make an appearance on this blog.

it's a song about hope and promise. perspectives of which i am in short supply, but know i need now more than ever. maybe listening to this will me help me to do so. maybe it will help you in some way as well. let's hope our brains cooperate.

another day - james taylor