and so i've taken another sledgehammer to my already shattered heart. do i feel good about it? no, not at all. and i think the fact that i've been crying non-stop since i did so is testament enough to the truthfulness of that statement. but when you've come to see that you are more of a hindrance than a help. viewed as more of a burden than a blessing to someone's life. what else is there to do then to put an end to his misery?
true, what i've done is really just the opening of a door for his exit, but i know in my heart it is a retreat that he will not hesitate to take nor will he look back. he won't see this entry because it won't occur to him to even look for it. he will leave as so many other men have in my life without pause or regret.
i think that's what hurts as much as the actual ending. to know that you don't really matter. that you will be consigned to someone's personal history as that crazy person he once knew and now regrets having ever met.
the song i'm posting is consistent with this weekend's theme. it is a song that i've posted before, however it seemed to be most appropriate now. it is also a song about an ending. those familiar with this song know that its subject chose another type of ending. i imagine it is a path i will soon be taking as well. but for now i'd like to ask mr. taylor's indulgence to close this entry with an altering of his lyrics to suit my purposes:
i sat down this morning and i posted this song
i just have no one to send it to
i've seen fire and i've seen rain
i've seen sunny days that i thought would never end
i'm in a lonely time when i've lost a longed for friend
and i always hoped that i'd see you again
maybe on the other side.
fire and rain - james taylor
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