there is a saying that, "attitude is everything." if this is indeed the case then i am utterly, royally screwed.
i was sharing with a friend in an online chat last night that every night i have this moment where i think of the next day and i am gripped with an almost hysteric level of dread about what is to come. it doesn't matter what that day may hold, the reaction is the same. this fact is particularly true during the work week.
i think the reason for this strong emotional response comes down to a belief on my part that people are going to expect me to care about whatever activity or issue in which i'm involved and truth be told i really, really don't. maybe it's the depression. maybe it's what seems like a litany of disappointments that have piled up over the course of the last couple of years. maybe it's the feeling of working and trying so hard at so many things both personally and professionally with so little positive result. maybe it's the fact that when it all comes down to it, at the end of each day i sit alone with a broken mind and crushed spirit. or maybe (and likely) it's "(e) all of the above." whatever the cause, each day has become something to get through rather than an opportunity to engage and experience.
today i woke up, looked at the calendar on my work cell phone, scanned the scheduled activities for the week and immediately thought, "that's a whole lot of i don't give a fuck right there." i don't know what it will take to change how i am feeling. i'm not really sure i believe there is anything that can (or as i said to the same friend, "i'm feeling that i'm beyond help"). and in this unknowing and disbelief, the question still remains, "how long can a person reasonably be expected to feel this way before he completely falls apart?" every day it feels like i'm on the verge and that such an occurrence is more of a "when" than an "if."
the song i'm sharing is actually making a repeat appearance on the blog. it is a song about needing an intervention to start living again. it's clear that it's where i am. what's not clear is if it's where i'm due to remain.
bring me to life - evanescence
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
that's a long time....
was eating dinner this evening. a conversation turned to my making a comment about something happening in 2018 at a time when i had moved ba...
-
two meditations on longing and desire for intimate connection. one is physical, the other emotional. different in nature but both are expres...
-
for many people, december 25 marked the end of the celebration of christmas; however, for others, the christmas season just started yesterda...
-
come down from the tree - audra mcdonald
No comments:
Post a Comment