one by one

something i forgot to mention in yesterday's entry about my performance evaluation meeting with my boss is that as a result of the discussion we had about my depression, i've been left feeling that i've effectively eliminated any opportunity for promotion or even being assigned additional accountabilities in my current role. if i were to use an analogy, it would be that you don't give a lame mule more pack to carry. by opening the window for a view into what i characterized as my broken mental/emotional state, i feel i will now be viewed by my boss as that lame mule and the idea of giving me anymore work to lead and drive will not even be entertained any longer, let alone acted upon.

i find this development (or at least what i perceive to be what has happened) to be particularly problematic as i've known for sometime now that my ability to make a difference and have a significant impact from the work i do is limited by how my role is positioned in the organizational hierarchy. so much of what i do and hope to accomplish has to be done so far more through influence rather than authority, and while influence is always an important part of accomplishing work priorities, i'd also appreciate some of the privilege that being the one recognized as the ultimate direction-setter and decision-maker affords. and yet, i think my conversation with my boss has closed off that path if not for good, then definitely for the foreseeable future.

i suppose i could have the perspective that this may be only a temporary setback until i get better, but given that it's been two years of what has felt like declining mental health, i'm not hopeful that i will see any changes anytime soon. while i can not be certain that the kind of changes in work circumstances that i'd hoped for would improve my overall emotional state, i am fairly certain that things remaining as they are will only fuel my fatalistic outlook on life.

i go to bed every night thinking, "if only i could have some positive change come my way," but it just feels like all the roads to a better place are getting closed off one by one, leaving me stranded and alone.

broken - seether (featuring amy lee)