this is one way i know that i am not getting better. at some point every day (and at times multiple points throughout a day), usually at night, i will think about a particular individual, and a pain like a dull knife will cut through my heart. what was once a daily stream of communication has become a dried out riverbed of silence. i try to stay in contact, sending brief messages and downloads of all the songs i post on this blog, and there is no response, no acknowledgement of my existence, where at one time there would have been.
i know people would say that i shouldn't let it bother me (actually that's what this particular person would tell me), but all i hear in my head, as the knife cuts ever deeper, are the voices that tell me that because i am broken of mind and spirit i have little use and bring no value to a relationship with this person. i have been cast aside and discarded as all broken things are, and the pain gets so great and the voices so loud at times that i wish i had a physical knife to plunge into my actual heart to just make it all stop.
yes, this is one way i know i am not getting better. the sad thing is it seems that i keep getting worse.
all that i'm living for - evanescence
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