this is going to be a long one, so be prepared.
sunday was pretty much of an up and down day for me emotionally. unfortunately, these days the pattern is great troughs of depression that periodically will yield to plateaus of mild sadness or numbness. i can't even begin to recall when the last time i experienced any moments of lasting happiness and certainly not pure, unadulterated joy. no, to use another metaphor, this journey has been conducted under grey skies of various degrees of darkness and rain that has alternated between slight drizzle to earth shattering thunderstorms.
yesterday, i moved in and out of periods of feeling both isolation and alienation. the fact that much of this occurred even with online conversations taking place with my few friends, all of whom are in remote locations from me, is certainly concerning. i continue to feel that my depression separates me from even those who care about me. i think the most challenging aspect is not being able to comply with their hopes and desires for me to be happy despite the best efforts i can muster. with each suggestion, there is an internal reaction of "if i felt able to do that i would." an analogy i've often used about this particular experience is feeling as if you are being asked to run a marathon with a broken leg. in recent experience it feels more like both legs are broken and i'm being asked to run around the earth.
the other pervasive aspect in this latest manifestation of my depression is one that i've shared in recent days -- the growing sense that my life has no point or meaning and as such does my life really matter. i shared this feeling with a friend last night and the lack of engagement on his part that i perceived made the feeling even more acute. to be fair, he was busy getting ready to depart on a trip, a fact that was unbeknown to me when i initiated the sharing of how i was feeling. if i had known i would never have shared something so personal or made myself so vulnerable. you can't unpack or explore a matter that is so sensitive when the other person's focus is elsewhere. and yet try as i might to be rational, i still struggle with the perspective that in the case of this individual in particular, he's pretty much done with engaging me on the topic. cue the feeling that my life doesn't really matter.
i'll close today's entry by sharing a very vivid dream i had last night. it was one of those continuous dreams that i imagine must have lasted through much of the night.
the basic plotline was that i was dealing with some physical ailment related to my knee. the surgeon who operated on my knee cut open the side of me and inserted a small disc that had the shape and consistency of one of those toilet cleaning tablets (i had the impression that this was some form of medication). the strange thing was he inserted it in such a way that it was only partially inserted so that the remainder of the disc was visible with my skin stretched around it. i think it's important to share that i was awake during the entire operation, and i could see the doctor was struggling to push the disc into place. after much effort, he seemed to reach a point where he just accepted that this was as far as he was going to be able to get.
when i got back to my room i started messing with the disc, attempting to push it fully beneath my skin. i took what i had observed and came to the conclusion that the intention of the surgery was to place the disk entirely beneath the skin. "surely," i thought, "being placed fully beneath my skin would allow the medicine to work more effectively." i did manage to push the disc completely under my skin with the stretched skin coming completely back into place over it such that all you could see was a small "x" shaped incision.
later, i was visited by another doctor who was followed by a group of three residents. she shared that they were going to be looking at my blood work later and would soon return to give me the results. as the time came for learning my results, only the residents returned to my room. they indicated that the doctor would be arriving soon, and she would be giving my full results. unfortunately, one of them continued that the results did not look good. at that point, a young female resident started crying and blurted out that the doctor said that my white blood cell count was low and a whole bunch of other medical mumbo jumbo. when i asked her what all of that meant, she gave me a worried look and stated that the doctor said that i was dying. the way she said it made me realize whatever i had was killing me, that the process was irreversible and that my remaining days on this earth were finite.
"it's strange to have been pondering whether i wanted to die for so long," i thought to myself, "and yet when the reality of it arrives i am still upset by the revelation." i also wondered if my messing with the disc had caused whatever this fatal condition was to develop.
the doctor never did arrive and so i remember getting up and walking through the vast academic medical center complex to find her. i did stumble across the surgeon, but as i tried to engage him in conversation, he told me he needed to get to an important surgery and wasn't able to discuss the matter with me. i would need to find the other doctor to learn more, and off he rushed, leaving me feeling alone and scared. after a few more minutes of searching, i saw the doctor for whom i had been searching pass by me surrounded by a group of med students. they were heading into one of those huge amphitheater style classrooms. i followed them in and attempted to get her attention. she saw me but before i could start speaking, one of the students jumped between us and began asking questions about some topic that they were currently studying. by the time that conversation finished, the doctor told me she had to start class and she would be available at 2 p.m. to speak with me about my results.
that discussion never took place. not because the doctor never showed up at my room but because i woke up before she could do so.
upon awaking i had one of those, "what was all that?" feelings that you have after a particularly long, complex and highly detailed dream. here's my attempt at interpreting the dream's meaning.
i believe that the disease that was killing was a metaphor for my depression, which i have often felt and commented upon about the belief is going to lead to my death.
the struggle that the doctor was experiencing in treating me could represent both my time in psychotherapy and this period of trying to find the right medications. the attempts have been made but neither have seemed to have their intended effect.
the thought that i somehow was the cause of this illness likely arises from two perspectives. the first is the pervasive feeling that has developed that people may be blaming me for my condition; this feeling comes from my reaction to their (well-meant) suggestions for how to improve my condition. the second potential meaning comes from an unfortunate perspective gained from my evangelical christian upbringing. it is simply that some actions will cause god to turn away from us to fend for ourselves in a hostile world. in this case, the pushing of the medication under my skin would represent my acceptance of being gay as a natural aspect of who i am (i recently shared with my doctor that i had discussed my depression with my mother because i expected her reaction would be that i was sick as a result of my "lifestyle" causing god to "remove his hand of protection over my life.").
lastly, my running around to find my doctors only to find they were too busy with their own responsibilities seems to symbolize this feeling that the few friends i have aren't able to be there for me in the way that i feel i need. it seems that while i may have a few moments with them, ultimately, they leave and i feel left to struggle with my illness on my own.
there may be even more to all of it, but those are the immediate thoughts i have as i try to make some sense of what i dreamt last night. it actually would have been nice to have dreamt of a better life, but i suppose that's not a belief within me that even my subconscious mind could find.
as i was concluding this entry, the following song came to mind as the most appropriate. it's an oldie but it's haunting music and lyrics have resonated with me ever since i first heard it.
these dreams - heart
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