more questions

as every day goes by, it feels as if more of my head space is filled with a singular question, "does my life really matter?"

this has been a difficult year. i've struggled with depression and felt my condition has progressively declined rather than improve. and as my condition has gotten worse, i have felt more and more misunderstood by and isolated from the world around me. treatments and prospects for treatments have only multiplied and as each fails little more of life drains out of me.

in my job i have worked harder than i think i have ever have in my time in this role and yet feel so little has been accomplished. throughout this time the pressure and stress on me has only grown and my ability to cope with it has seemed to dwindle.

in my personal life, i am down to one friend who makes any attempt to reach out and see how i am doing on a regular basis. in one of these relationships in particular i've watched as pretty much daily contact has changed into daily uncertainties when or if i will hear from this person again. one could ask the question in that particular situation, "why not make the contact yourself?", and that would be a fair question. unfortunately, i have and i am not in the condition any longer that i can reach out on a daily basis as i had for a few weeks without receiving a response. i've always struggled with the degree of worth i have to individuals, and if communications go unanswered, then i just come to feel that the other person is beginning their distancing from me and that to throw myself at them any longer is both foolish and futile.

none of these situations help me to feel particularly good about myself, hence the question with which i opened this blog entry. i mean if you struggle from a sickness that no one understands, if you see no value creation in your job, if people walk away from a relationship with you with such ease and little concern, how does one maintain a sense of worth?

strangely enough, as i began this entry, the song i am posting here came to mind. it's a love song and certainly doesn't fit the tone or spirit of this entry. maybe it came to mind because it is a song about the declaration of the worth that one individual has to another.

it would be nice to know that this kind of love and regard exists for you in this lonely world. it would be very nice indeed. if you have it. consider yourself quite blessed -- quite blessed indeed.

a thousand years - christina perri