i'm going through a bit of a challenging time. last night i was sitting on my living room sofa after a very quiet day, over the course of which, i had attempted to push through my depression and managed to complete a couple of the plethora of organizing my household tasks i had hoped to accomplish over the course of my vacation. my plan had been to relax by enjoying some pizza that had just arrived, followed by maybe a little reading while listening to some music playing softly in the background.
unfortunately, we all know what they say about the best laid plans (and my plans for the evening were not even that). just prior to sitting down, i had checked my work email on my phone (something i swore and told my co-workers i would not do but needed to do so to make sure my boss had received a particular piece of information that i had been delayed in completing. i had planned (there's that word again) on completing it over the weekend, but in the midst of the major depressive episode i was having, i had completely forgotten and found myself finishing and sending it first thing yesterday morning).
i never did find an email confirming she'd received what i sent, but what i did find was an urgent email (and text) saying she really needed to talk to me about some other information that she needed this week (information that i did not know she needed prior to departing on vacation). thinking this was something i did not really want to be dealing with, i nevertheless immediately pulled out my work laptop and over the course of the next 30 minutes or so, i gathered the information into an email (wolfing down pizza between keystrokes) and sent it off with a note that if she still needed to speak with me to please let me know and that i would keep my phone on just in case.
and so with that behind me, i return back to the moment with which i introduced this blog entry. i sat down on my living room sofa after a very quiet day. there was music softly playing in the background but my ability to do anything more than just stare straight ahead seemed to be gone. it was as if something had broken in my mind and more darkness just enveloped me and i wept for a bit.
i thought about the words of my doctor the week prior as he shared his concern about what additional stressors could do to me in my depressed state. the unexpected being dragged back into work would normally be a minor issue under different circumstances, but the circumstances aren't different and the seeming fragility of my mental state came back into sharp focus. i sat there in the dark wondering if i would ever be well again and questioning how could i ever return to a work environment that is so challenging and has filled my heart with so much disappointment over the past year.
i sat there for a bit longer and shed a few more tears. i got up, climbed the stairs to my bedroom and thought maybe some sleep would help. i've thought that on so many nights and it hasn't really. and given my state this morning, it failed to do so again.
so here's a song from way back in the day that speaks to a level of optimism i do not have but desperately need.
ooh child - the five stairsteps
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