one of the great cruelties of life (at least my life) is that when you need people around you most, it seems that no one is there. i've spent much of the weekend crying over this fact, so much so that it seems that every time i look in the mirror, my eyes are red and puffy.
i think the big trigger to this reaction has been the fact that i've shared my news from the doctor with the friends with whom i am in most regular contact. save one person, the reaction has been barely discernible. in fact, with one friend in particular there, has been only silence. i think that one has hurt the most.
i should state that this is not meant to be an indictment against any of these people. life gets busy and messy at times. people have matters in their own they have to address.
what little that is left of the rational side of me understands and accepts that. unfortunately, that voice is drowned about by the more dominant voices in my head (my twin demons of doubt and despair as i've called them before). Here is some of the running commentary they've been having in my head:
see, no one cares about you; you're an insignificant afterthought in their lives (if that much).
you're making a fool of yourself chasing after their attention with your silly blog songs of the day and the like. no one gives a shit about what you think or how you feel.
this is the first sign of them walking away and leaving you alone; you know it's what always happens with guys you want as friends.
it's your depression that is driving them off; who wants to deal with someone broken like you?
things aren't going to get any better you know; in fact your condition is getting worse, and no one will ever want to have a relationship with you - ever.
everything in your life is failing - work, relationships with family and friends, your mental health -everything!
why do you keep continuing on with your life when you know nothing you do is going to make any difference?
you are going to die alone and your life will have not meant much to anyone.
it's this last question that seems to continue to roll around in my head more and more as the days pass by and it affects everything i do. i have trouble cleaning the house or completing the myriad of organizing projects i need to do. i try to sit down to read a book or watch a movie and can't even open the cover or load the dvd in the player. i can't even seem to read a comic or a magazine. i have tons of boxes of things i've bought recently lying around the house unopened.
nothing is happening because i keep being haunted by the thought, "what's the point?" (in fact, i had trouble even sitting down to write this entry for this very reason). i've lost the plot of my life and i can't seem to get it back. this is the cruelty of life with chronic depression.
i have no idea how many times i've posted this song, but here's one more. even though it's not raining it seems to be the right song to play. i think it speaks to both how i'm feeling (sometimes i'd like to quit, nothing ever seems to fit) and the resolution i wish i could have but feel is lacking (it would be nice to know somebody loves me).
what is the point of all of this thing called life really? i'm not sure i've ever known.
rainy days and mondays - carpenters
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